Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Oh My.

My life has been one horrible, insane, and happy ride since I last posted.

The horrible part. My dog died. My beloved little Yorkshire terrier. Kacey M. Sikora. He was born on April 4, 1997 and passed away on July 21, 2006 at about 3pm. I didn't get to say goodbye. *()&^*(&%^*^%^^&% traffic. The vet called us from NYC and said we needed to get down there as soon as possible. We had no idea it was that serious, so we jumped in the car and didn't make it. I had a panic attack while saying goodbye to him. Felt like I was choking and couldn't breathe. He died from a collapsed esphosogus (I know, i can't spell and I don't care). They were able to make him comfortable with muscle relaxers and an oxygen chamber but it just wasn't enough. Rest in Peace my beloved dog. You made my world feel safer and happier just by being in it. I will miss you for the rest of my life. Tears.

The insane part. My son is 3 months old. He has been in Connecticut, New York, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Michigan, Georgia, Tennesee, Delaware, Maryland, D.C., Colorado, Arizona and who knows where else. The majority of that has been within hte last month. My daughter wakes up and asks where we are. She came home last night and said we were "staying in our old house and not another hotel, huh?". This will be our "old house" in exactly 1 week from today. This house has been my shelter through loosing 3 babies, countless rounds of IVF, IUI, frozen cycles, many shots and their outcomes, a 5 week hospital stay, 4-5 months of bedrest, crying so hard on the floor I thought my heart could never recover, throwing up so hard on the floor I thought my stomach was surely gone...and bringing my two miracles home and gazing in their eyes so hard that I thought heaven must be in my living room at 3am in the morning. Seeing countless sunrises through gritty eyes as a baby is nursing or eating yet again. Learning what family really, truly means when you call at 8pm on a Friday night and they come. to stay. for 4 months. just because you are their family. when your mother flies in to stay. on and off. for 4 months during a horrible illness and a phD. just because she is yours and you are hers. when your husband stays every single night in the hospital next to you AFTER working all day and driving home to put your daughter to bed and then coming all the way back to try and make you smile. so you aren't going through this alone. that you have family that brings a 2 month old and their 2 year old and your sisters and pizza to party in the maternity ward to make you have one moment of smiling. this house has seen a lot of my life. it has been a good house. we don't know where we are going.

The happy part. Very good, close friends got married. John & Hazel: July 23, 2006. David & Belinda: July 30, 2006. Lovely, different weddings. Happy moments. My favorites: Hazel & Her Dad dancing. Such emotions in moments. "Little Ashley" singing and the look in everyone's eyes. My daughter dancing her BOOTY off. Having the time of her life. Seeing all the people that have been so important in my life over the last 12 years make time to just BE THERE. no matter what.

We are looking for a house we might buy. I like it but it's expensive. Expensive enough it makes me nervous. We shall see.

Life is a roller coaster. The bottom drops when you least expect it, but the highs are top of the world. Corny, yes. True, yes. I'm trying to gather all the moments together to look at later.