Friday, November 30, 2007

It seems like I only post on this blog lately when I am feeling down or poignant...

And it is another one of those times. We just returned home from a long, difficult, inspiring trip to TN. The long and short of it was that we arrived and knew that we were going straight to the bedside of my cousin who was declining rapidly from follicular lymphoma. He had been fighting valiantly for 9 months, and until recently had been doing well. Six weeks before he was walking 2 miles every day. But he had a round of invasive chemo, steroid treatment, and resulting nerve damage. Those combined with a surgery left him weak and his health took a turn for the worse. His family chose to bring him home with very good hospice care and very good family care (4 nurses, 1 PhD, and me...a former nurse’s aide and a loving cousin).

We spent precious hours by his bedside talking to him, visiting with people who had driven many hours to come and be with him. He was a fantastic person, with a wonderful smile. Everyone who spoke about and to him mentioned over and over how he was ALWAYS positive, cheerful and thankful. He would thank nurses, doctors, aides, family constantly for their care and help. I would sit beside him and VISUALIZE him getting better. Just a little better. Maybe to eat a little more, to breathe a little easier. I would SEE the angels bending low to soothe him. I would sing to him and tell him he was brave and wonderful and how much I admired him. I always have, since I saw him doing a handstand on our grandparents roof. I always have since he told my "mean" brothers to lay off. But in such a nice way that no one felt he was chastising them. He was the jock, the blond, the good looking guy who smiled and girls thought he was amazing. He had a photographic memory, and was a really great carpenter/ builder. He loved his family, and rebuilt and fixed a lot of their house before he got sick. He was a fierce defender of anyone who needed it, and particularly of his handicapped brother. He was one of the good guys. And I don't think we told him that enough. But I do know that he knew he was loved.

He passed from this earth surrounded by incredible love and hope. We asked for a miracle up until the end, that he might be healed. But, we asked that God's will be done in all of our lives, and that he would be present. And he was. God was in that room that night, I have no doubt. I saw him in my 92 year old Grandfather's hand as he touched his grandson's shoulder and told him that he would see him very soon in the morning. I saw him in my 4 year old daughter’s eyes as she looked at the solid wall of family around Bob's bed and wanted to know what was taking Jesus so long to come. I saw him in Bob's fiancĂ©e’s hands that soothed his breathing and whispered love. I saw him in his parents fierce grip...they COULD not let go. How can we let go of something we love and protect so hard? I FELT God in that room...we stood shoulder to shoulder around his bed, and he was in peace. He took his last breath in total love, and in faith. I was privileged to be there at that moment, and I am privileged to be a part of his family.

Bob, goodnight for now. We will see you soon. You are loved.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Do Justly.
Love Mercy.
Walk Humbly.

I have been reflecting on this lately. In the context of "what does the Lord require of me"?

I go through the day so preoccupied with my children, my business, my home and my family. In making sure that the daily needs are met in those areas, I rarely have time to really think about what my Father in heaven wants me to do and be. I have been trying to consider ways that I could make it a part of my daily routine and life.

Do Justly. Does this mean to just be fair? To do what is right? I think it means to have a solid core of strengh, faith and belief to draw on. Wether the question is simple (no stealing) to a more complicated decision, we all make desicions based on our past experiences and our core of moral values. I think this speaks to having that core and having it be in line with God's way.

Love Mercy. This I think speaks most strongly to our interactions with others. Not to love putting ourselves first, but to love putting others first even in small ways. To remember to call a friend, to send flowers to brighten their day, to write a note to my grandmother, to send over a delivery of food for a family that has gone through loss. I think its remembering to live somehow in service of others and in service of Mercy. I was told once that I was God to my children. I didnt really understand at that time until I thought it through. They dont understand a concept of a heavenly father. They understand how I speak to them, how I react to their needs and calls for attention. If they know that I am interested in them, I am loving to them, then they will understand Love...and eventually on a greater scale.

Walk Humbly. I'm still figuring this one out. Obviously, it means to not think too much of ourselves, to give God the glory and trust in him to lead us through this great cosmic experiment that is called life. But how else can I "walk humbly" through my daily life? I'm not sure.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

"As Blogs go by..." (Or time...or they are one in the same.) If I sit down for a moment to read a friends blog, or a friend of a friends...or just some random link I got to from some random woman, I completely loose track of time. (Random in the husband asked me last night who the cute little girl on my screen was, was it a friend of our daughter? I said, "oh, that was MissZ from a blogger mom who is really popular that I read occasionally. She just found out that she is pregnant, I'm so happy for her." My husband looks like I have a screw loose. This is a woman I have never met, who I never will (who is too darn popular that I wouldnt even at like BlogHer, which i will never go to). But you know what, I absolutely love the instant communities that you can find in cyberspace. I go to support groups for ladies with PCOS, chat boards for Christian Moms, message boards for sparklie addicts, and (yup) a few gossip sites. It's a complete world out there, and it just astounds me. It has grown so much since the good old days when the internet started and we could command a $10,000 raise by uttering the words WEB, HTML KEYWORD, and ONLINE STORE. It was good, I'm telling you. It's still good, but now its a part of everyone's daily life. I'm scared to death to think what it will be like when my kids are in their teens. Im still going to be "fingering" (an OLD internet term for searching to see who is online) people and they are going to think I'm basically using morse code. I guess such is the life of a parent, huh?

Im relaunching my freelance site. It should be up soon, check it out! I have great plans to take over the world, but first I have to stop reading that Angelina is adopting! Brittney is a bad mom! uh, you know, the important news.

Monday, August 20, 2007

Today is Your day...
Your mountain is waiting,
so get on your way!
(Dr. Suess was a freaking genius!)

So, my mountains? Well, my house looks (again) like it blew up...I'm never as organized as I would like to be and my stupid "n" key does not work as it should, resulting in hurting hands as I pound away.

Yeah, those arent mountains, huh? More like molehills or moguls (sp?). My mountains are the big questions like where should my kids go to school? When should they go to school? Where should we live? What career should I have? Am I a boring person because I esentially have no career right now? (Although, should I meet you and you should ask, I would tell you I am a graphic designer/ freelance writer. Which is true. But certainly not full time.)

I bought the Oprah magazine because it promised to tell me exactly how to find my creative career bliss! OH! I thought! OPRAH SHOULD KNOW! FINALLY. Well, I haven't finished the magazine yet, but the only advice I got was that if I have been out of the workforce for over two years (their stat was out of the 37% of college educated women that quit to stay home, 90% are ready to go back to work in 2 years...does that sound right? Like, uh, sorry kid, you hit two and got difficult so Mama's outta here, hope daycare is good for you!) Maybe its just me and I am a bit bitter? Yes, (as a close person pointed out) I derived some self esteem from my former job. I made important decisions! That bag you carefully put your brand new clothes in, I decided what color it was! Thats power for you. heheh. I sometimes have to remind myself that I do a job now. I raise my kids. The days are long and the years are short. I also take care of a large home, handle the bill paying, and try and fit in some work in there. But sometimes it doesnt feel important daily. Yes, Yes, it IS! I know. I'm here, I'm putting the time into my kids because they are the most important job I will ever have. But I miss having a career too. So, I plan.

Yesterday I was going back to nursing school. The day before I was going to apply to art directors positions. The day before I was going into photography. The day before I was going to open a home decor store. Sense some confusion?

But maybe thats life, huh? We grow, we think, we explore. Some days our path is exactly what we would like it, and some days it just is one step after another.

But I tell you, the prospect of driving kids around for the rest of my life terrifies me. But having someone else pick them up when they fall down terrifies me more.

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

I don't know where to start...amazing how much and so little can happen in a month.

This month we have:
-traveled to Lake George, twice. First time, I cried on the boat because I was so sad about our baby...second time I cried on the boat because I was sad about our baby and happy about twinsisterfriends baby.

-traveled to Michigan, hung out with my parents. Got into fights, hugs, long conversations and generally regained a bit of balance in my world.

-had like 4 parties in one weekend. Birthdays, graduations, etc. Sylvia (friend) had the most awesome 40th birthday I have ever been to. Did you know there are WOODS in the bronx? Yeah, me either. Strange, but lovely.

-traveled to Kentucky for a dear old friends wedding (old as in knew her since she came home from the hospital, 23 years ago). Was lovely to see people I havent seen in so long and know they are still THERE.

-gave my daughter a wonderful, garden, fairy, butterfly filled 4th birthday. In which I spent all day and 5 HUGE bags of trash cleaning up from. And scrubbing pizza and paint out of the carpet.

-am now preparing for guests this weekend.

Sigh. Life is busy. It is full. It is good. It is full of baby steps and giggles and smiles and tears. My mental image of my son from today was when he was pulling all his daddy's shoes off the rack and then started on his pants. (Which I had neatly folded and put there moments before.) I said NO JAIME!!! (for the 10th time) and smacked his little hand. He just stood there, all 2.5 feet of him in his footie pajamas and poked out his little lip. His big blue eyes got full of tears and he just stared at me. I held out my arms for him, and he reached up and just hung on. But I will ALWAYS remember that blond baby boy with the pout standing in the sunshine. Even when he is 6'4 and doesnt hang on quite so tight.

My life feels solid. I have had pain...real, physical, knock you out (literally) pain...and the gut-wrenching mental pain of loss that tears you up so hard that when you cry you can't even close your mouth or make a sound because it just hurts so damn bad.

But I have had the joy too. The wow moments of stunning happiness when you touch new skin for the first time on your baby...the way that new package of skin, and bones and blood feels. The amazing, quiet joy of feeling my love there after a hard and scary dream. The knowledge that I am loved.

The stretching of the soul is what makes us human. The reflection of our emotions and the quiet meditation of the soul is what makes us. We are made in the image of our God...with the amazing capacity for growth.

I have wished and prayed for the hard parts to be taken away. But thats not what life is on this planet. We are living it, for the good and in the bad. We are IN this experiment...and the only thing that will make it "all better" is the end of it. God cannot make it soft and shield us from the awfulness of life, or we would never want it to stop.

So, I am choosing. I am choosing to have faith. I am CHOOSING to hang on to that hand that I cannot see. I am choosing to live this life he has granted me, and to praise. To give thanks. Even for the things that suck the most. I'm making that decision.

To end on a lighter note, I love this quote and thought it over again as I held my baby boy in my arms tonight:
"Cleaning and scrubbing can wait 'til tomorrow
For babies grow up we've learned to our sorrow.
So quiet down cobwebs, dust go to sleep
I'm rocking my baby, and babies don't keep!"

Sunday, June 17, 2007 of thoughts...may not make a heck of a lot of sense.

How do you many things at once?

I'm still so so sad about loosing our baby. I dont even like the way that sounds...loosing. I didn't misplace it. There was nothing I could have done differently. We spent about $2500 on just trying to KEEP it. I had such dreams for it...they came so fast and we held on so tight. And I'm trying to figure out how to let go. How to find out how to be happy and secure and GOOD in my life again.

I had jumped off the merry-go-round of baby making. No more tests, no more blood draws, no more "expert" doctors poking around in my bits...I was done. It was all about having fun with the babies I have and the husband I have and getting on to the next stage in our lives. We were done with babies. Then it became a possibility agian. Then it wasn't. And I feel adrift. I don't know what we need, what I want.

I wanted to be part of "club". I wanted my sisters to get pregnant so we could all experience it together. Well, they did...and I am not anymore.

I am SO SO happy about each one, I will treasure each baby for the miracle it is. I will love them sincerely. a way it hurts. It is something I thought I would be a part of and now I am not. I'm a bit jealous of them, of this new discovery and miracle in their lives. A very close friend just had a baby last week, and as I held that tiny new life, I was wishing for mine.

But I wanted THAT baby. I worked for THAT baby. And that isn't a possibility. And it mkaes me MAD.

But I don't know if another whole life fits for us. A baby...I love that idea. But another life...thats a big responsibility. Clothes, diapers, food, time, school money, new shoes, new dresses and trucks, and high school and college and trips and traveling and grad school and weddings...that all costs a LOT. In time, in energy, in money. I am a good Mama. A very good one. My kids have more than enough of everything they need, including me. Is there enough for another? Is it good for us as a family? Would we all come out the other side of pregnancy and birth okay? Being on bedrest changed my relationship with my daughter, am I willing to go through that again? I just dont know.

I know, now isnt the time to figure it out. I need to get healthier, I need to just BE for a while.

But still, I wanted to be part of the club. And I'm not. And it hurts.

But I'm happy because there is new life coming...and I'm sad too because one of them isn't mine.

Tuesday, June 05, 2007


ponytails and bright eyes
watching for magic

forest-side shadows start their creep
accross the blades of dew
sprinkled to reflect
the fairies starting to wink-blink-shine

ponytails and crystal bells
to capture a flight of fancy

side-by-side companions
sure of magic, sure of life

A flight of memory for my life companion, my best friend. There are relationships that can only be explained as THERE. My sisterfriendtwin has been THERE. In my life, in my heart. Through the gigglegum and the nightbefores and the Icantbreathes. And she will be there. And so will I.

As you all know, its been a hard few weeks for the DangerElf clan. I came over to leave a little message that is funny, somewhat unbelievable, and quite cute. At least... as cute as a 33 year old man gaping at an "empty" backyard can be.

Tonight while we were eating dinner, my Hubband suddenly leapt up from the chair and dashed to the front window, peering intently out into the front yard. The sun had just set and it was slightly dusky. His posture radiated intense interest in whatever was going on.
"What is it!?"
"I'm not sure"

I laughed. He'd told me the other day that he'd never seen a firefly in his life before. In all of his 33 years, he'd not once lived in a place that had the little critters during the summer. I thought I might have an inkling...

"Was it a firefly?"
"Im not sure! It just.. blinked"

I grabbed his hand and pulled him out back. Since we live in town, there aren't all that many fireflies, but I'd seen a few over the last couple of days so I knew if we were just patient. We stood silently, holding hands for a few minutes. He finally gave up.

"I dont think there..."
"There! in the middle of the yard!"

He looked where I pointed and was just in time to see 2 more blink in and out.

"That's SO COOL!"

We watched them for a few more minutes before escaping the ubiquitous mosquitos, but I'll never forget the look on his face. That sense of wonder that most of us feel the first time we see a firefly. That summer way back when you were 9 or 10 and the world was opening all sorts of new and exciting doors. Its so amazing to see that same look and experience that wonder again through not just your children or your nieces and nephews, but through the eyes of an adult who has seen more than his share of sorrow and stress and of the world and of war. Seeing it through his eyes, for just a few minutes this evening I was back in a Kentucky holler, running through the dusky woods with a jar in my hand and my best friend at my side.

With love, and dreams,

Thursday, May 24, 2007

How do you put into words a feeling so hard that sad doesnt even begin to cut it?

That yes, you know you will make it through, and yes, eventually you will not cry, but no, no, no, your heart will never be happy exactly the same way again. That your dreams were altered and now you cannot go back to being happy with the old ones.

Today we found out that our precious miracle baby was not to be in our arms here. That amazing newborn expectation wasn't going to happen. I had made room in my heart for you, my love. And I will miss you all of my days.

Your mama loved you. And you were wanted, very very much.

Friday, May 18, 2007

Today is May 18, 2007.

10 years of marriage, exactly.

Ten amazing years that were full of sock-u-in-the-gut moments. Our first teensy-weensy apartment that we bought OURSELVES with the money we got from selling one of our cars. (We each had one when we got married.) Our first moment of knowing that we were in this for matter how hard that particular moment was. I knew that my husband was not going to leave. Period. THAT was a hard concept for me. He was in this for the long run, and frankly it took a few years for me to accept that. But I did. We got married very, very young. We had to finish growing up together...and we did. Honestly, me more than him. I had to figure out what real life meant compared to the fairy tale I had made up in my mind.

Oh, but the hundreds of moments have made it absolutely worth it. Moments of complete and utter joy, when our daughter and son were born. That squishy newborn look. The scary, intense moments in the hospital...and he was ALWAYS by my side. He has slept on a hospital cot for many nights, honestly never missed one. The most scary moments of a life, and the most simple moments of laughter and full of love. THOSE shared moments are what make a lifetime.

He has worked LONG hours to provide for his family, and then come home at night and said "honey, you are tired, lay down and I will finish feeding the kids and put them to bed" (Ok, that one happens mostly only when Im pregnant, but its still pretty darn great considering he gets home at almost 8pm.) He has never said no when I have asked for his help. He is a fantastic father, and quite simply, my man, my love, and my life partner.

I hear him snoring in the other room right now, and I just appreciate him being here. He has always made me feel pretty and desired...even when he had to crawl into a hospital bed to "stare into my eyes" and hold my hand.

I would be lost without him, and I thank God every day for the family he has given me. That he has given me the strengh that is in this man. That he will teach me to appreciate him more every day and to let him know that he knocks my socks off...still.

Thank-you husband for being the man, father, and love that you are. I would not be me without you.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Well...its been a long time since I posted. So much has happened in the last 5.5 weeks.

James, my beloved, hardwon, baby boy turned 1 year old. When I found out I was pregnant with a little boy the second time around, I was shocked, and not sure what I felt. I was expecting a girl. I had a girl, I knew how to parent a girl. But a BOY? huh? Did I need to buy a baseball right away? What was the standard operating procedure here? Then my pregnancy progressed into a hellish ride of high blood pressure and a dialating cervix that landed me on bedrest for months. Delivery was coming every day, we were prepared EVERY DAY to have a preemie that would be in the NICU for weeks or months. Well, with God's assistance, he came only slightly early and was healthy (after we got past the first NICU stay, and my almost hemmoraging, and uh, the bad infections, and uh...). It was, NOT an easy ride, emotionally or physically. It was, quite honestly, the hardest part of my life I've gone through. And there have been some rough patches. But the daily wondering if you are going to loose your baby because you maybe went to the bathroom one too many times is very hard on a mother. I was worried that I wasn't going to bond with him as well. I was worried (by his constant angry-ness) that he didn't feel bonded to me and that I had messed him up somehow...I was just worried. Fast forward a year later and he is a happy, smiling little blond angel. Laughs the best belly laugh you have ever heard. Gets into trouble like no-one's business, but with the sweetest blue eyes. He is part of my joy, and his "mama's boy". Even likes a snuggle now and then, which he would not tolerate for quite some time. He is my love.

But. I never expected to get pregnant again. I was done. Gave the stuff away, sent off the maternity clothes. Done. Completely. I had the weight off (well, 5 lbs to go), was back in my normal clothes, was going to buy size 8 shorts for the first time in 5 summers or so. I was all ready to party in Vegas with my honey for our 10th year anniversary. And. Uh.....surprise. 10 years of marriage and I have never become pregnant naturally. Ever.

Didn't even occur to me for a week. Tested in TARGET! That's how sure I was that it was negative. BUT, it was positive. Quickly positive.

So, after a rollercoaster week of blood tests, we are still hanging in there. I'm back on rear-end shots that hurt like H(*&! and make my sit-down-upon very hard to sit-down-upon. And tired. But we are back in the game after retirement. And you know what? I'm happy. Scared, yes. Nervous, yes. But darn happy.

So pray, keep us in good thoughts, petition. We want this baby if its God's will and it will be okay.

Today it's name is:
Liliana Hope OR
Weston Bruce


Monday, March 26, 2007

Oh, how the time flys.

It seems like I have no time or energy to post, but then when I do, I write a long one.

I'm in the middle of "detox". I was to the point where I was feeling "flu-like" every morning. So to get over it, I would take 2 advil or tylenol and a big cup of coffee. Then, I would be tired by 4pm, so I would have another big cup of coffee. I like coffee, can you tell? I was having problems sleeping, so I would take a little benedryl, or melatonin plus some sleepy-time tea. It wasn't a vicious cycle yet, but I didnt want it to become one. I wanted to feel good when I got up, rested, and not depend on anything to feel that way. I'm too young to not feel okay! Through several years of strong IVF meds, then strong meds in the hospital (that I was allergic to) have built up a toxicity level. My skin was breaking out again and other adrenal problems were popping back up.

It's time to get on a healthier path. I need more exercise, and to listen to my body. I want to be at a weight that I am happy with. I dont need to be skinny, but I need to be healthy. I need to loose about 10-15 pounds to be below 1st baby weight, and to where I was when I got married.

We are going to Vegas for our 10th anniversary (we are going to get married in a cheesy ceremony, have Elvis sing and the whole works). My goal is to be comfortable wearing a bikini on this post-two-babies-body. I have approximately 8 weeks. We shall see.

So, I'm starting with this very gentle cleanse. The hard part is the "diet" part, only melon in the morning, one protein and salad at lunch, and then only garden veggies at night. And olive oil. And a gallon of distilled water. Thats it. Its hard. But I can do anything hard for 10 days, right?

Sunday, February 25, 2007

Chocolate. It has been taking up way too much of my eating time lately. Ugh...I think I need to throw the whole bunch of it away. You know what is strange (well, uh, ONE of the things?) when I was pregnant with my son, I would wake up from any kind of nap with the strongest urge for DARK, BITTERSWEET chocolate right that very moment. REALLY needed it, and would consume an entire chocolate bar from TJ in seconds. The craving isn't as strong, but that is still my favorite time to eat chocolate.

Well, last night we made it! I was a little nervous to babysit my two fine nephews with my two little ones. Becoming a parent of one was SUCH a life changing thing for me...then it took me a little while before I felt comfortable to keep two beings safe. But FOUR? Holy Cow batman, was that even possible? (Yes, I know mothers have more than two children, and some even have 4 children all the same age, and they survive, but I wasn't entirely sure it was not against the laws of nature.) But, we did it! heheh, and it was fun and they all went to bed and didn't scream and cry and inflict bodily harm on themselves. Jax and Grace played outside ALONE, like real little kids. They didn't need me to be holding their hand so they wouldn't stumble...they enjoyed stumbling...and they were okay. This is a realitively new concept to me, so I dash back and forth peering out the windows. But aside from Jack coming in with un-identifiable (sorry nic)wet spots on his back, and Grace having them on HER back (what?) UNDER their coats which were NOT wet, and no, it wasn't sweat...they had a grand time. Jake marched around and around, yelling UH-OH and banging things together. James tried his best to keep up, but I think they got dizzy. Jake actually, very contentedly let Uncle "Beez" hold him for 20 minutes while they read the paper. It was a calm and fun day/ night, and they all lived and were clean and happy when they went to sleep. With perhaps the exception of Jake who threw the paci I tried to give him instead of nursing on the floor with a HOWL. But he cried for less than a minute, so I think he was actually okay too. They are all becoming real little people. Its a joy to see, and a little scary.

I have zero willpower today. I SHOULD be dashing about doing many things, and I just do not want to. I want to be LAZY. Its so not in my DNA to be that way (without guilt). I dont know if its the catholic, the irish, or the womanly (wink) upbringing, but I just find it very hard to let myself be lax. That's not to say that I don't, just that I feel guilty. I also feel guilty about the 5 chocolates I just ate. heheh. Loosing weight is almost impossible for me in the late winter. I have absolutely no willpower for that either.

So, wasn't this the most boring post in the world. Oh well, life is such sometimes, eh?

Some family health problems going on right now, please keep prayers coming this way.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Oh, the life and times...we have been sick as dogs. Why do people say "sick as dogs"? My dog is rarely sick? Strange, eh? Also the whole "parking on the driveway, driving on the parkway thing", I can get stuck on these things for HOURS baby.

BUT, inspired by Amalah, here are 6 weird things you may or may not know about me...considering who reads this, you probably DO know about me.

1. I like to put a full face of makeup on when I'm up really late sometimes, this also being unusual because I rarely WEAR a full face of makeup. I think I look somehow more "poetic" when I'm tired, and a nice dose of red lipstick and some kickin eyeshadow usually vamps up the energy for a few moments anyway. And yes, I carefully and fastidiously wash it all off before I go to bed. I ALWAYS wash my face before I go to bed. Even through many months of bedrest I would toddle to the bath for a teeth and face fix quickly.

2. I'm a hypochrondiac. I have the stomach's lasting too long, I've obviously got a twisted intestine and/or blockage. A bit of an itch? A full blown UTI (which I have never had) kid has a slight fever? It's menengitis. I spend several hours researching all the symptoms and nodding sagely with each. What is slightly amusing and kinda sad is that every serious medical issue I have actually had, I pretty much missed. It didn't even occur to me that a very serious problem I had with my placentas was what was life threatening when I gave birth until 9 months after my SECOND kid. Smart, eh?

3. I have to read before I can fall asleep. HAVE to. Sick, throwing up, full on fever, there is nothing a few pages of Victoria cannot fix. Which leads me to number 4.

4. I have almost every magazine that Victoria put out. I'm missing 2. I was missing 1, but it dissapeared in the move. What makes this truly a bit odd is that I read them regularly, but ONLY in the month they are meant for. (I'm reading Feb now) I NEVER skip ahead or behind...and I read it usually every single night. I'm a bit manic about these magazines, so if you see one casually strewn aroud my house, do NOT put your cup, clothes, book or such on top or even near it.

5. I'm a world class procrastinator mixed in with a type A personality. If I'm hot about something it has to be done NOW NOW NOW and MY WAY BUDDY. If I don't feel the slightest bit good, or just have done it one to many times, or just don't want to do it...I will find every possible thing to do instead. I spend far more time avoiding it and smaltzing around it than I probably would have actually just biting the bullet. Well, my husband is never bored.

6. One of my favorite movies is Wally Sparks...crude, stupid, immature yep. makes me laugh every single time...yep. Hate all the rest of his movies, they are RIDICULOUS!

My kids are tired, and the time has come to put the little buggers to bed. It's hard being the only parent around a lot of the time. I know I've complained about it to death, but this having my husband gone all the time stinks even more when I'm sick. I've been puking at least once a day now for 5 days. If my boobs hurt I would think I was pregnant. No, I'm not. Quite sure on that one for all of you that just got excited. To be pregnant enough to be this sick I would have to have not had a normal cycle 2 weeks ago, and I did. And my boobs would be twice their size and really uncomfortable. So NAH! Just probably an intestinal blockage or something fun like that.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Well, I SHOULD be cleaning up the playroom know, putting the toys away, sweeping up the half gummed cheerios, old fruit, and graham cracker dust so the little "beasties" (I'm talking about mice, not kids) dont eat them in the night. I hope we dont have beasties (mice, not kids) down there. I put off cleaning it up last night because JOY** thats the reason to have a playroom where you can just shut the door. But LO, we are having ANOTHER playdate tomorrow and the playroom (where they will wreck havoc and destruction) must be clean for them to start in. No, my daughter does (or husband for that matter) does not understand this, but BAH! it is my way. Also, this person (the adult) has never seen my new house in all it's prettyness, so i must clean. AND I bought new organizers to organize my gift and bathroom stuff (yes, those go together) closet. Oh joy. And today was the day I'm supposed to clean my floors, but I spent almost 3 fun hours (where they have lots of furry things that I am allergic to, I actually broke out in a lovely rash by the time I got home) at the vet instead. They loaded my dog up with various stuff and I hope she will stop itching soon. I have to give my dog AND my son antibiotics morning and evening, and drops in both of their ears. (All four) Im just praying I don't mix up their antibiotics and ear drops. And also that ear infections aren't catching because we are still winning by majority at not getting them. So, the floors must be done, and the sheets are supposed to be changed and washed on Fridays, but MY GOD, we make a lot of laundry. I did 4 loads yesterday, dried, folded and put away. But there are probably another couple waiting already.

I'm tired, my knee hurts.

But, two good and funny things today:
1. We got the first snowflakes of the season. My daughter said "Look Mommy, the snowbugs are outside". I'm like, huh? SNOWBUGS? I think you mean "Snowflakes". "No Mommy, those are snowbugs if you look real close". Snowbugs. Thanks for the visual kid!
2. I put my son in a snowsuit that has foldyoverhands (flaps that come up and cover their hands so they dont need gloves). So, I put him in it for the first time and of course wrestle him becaues HE MUST CHEW ON THAT HAND. LIKE NOW. So he pops it out of the other side (flap down) and starts to bring the covered hand up to his mouth. Then he sees that "THERE IS NOT A HAND THERE ANYMORE". He makes this terrified/ horrified face and starts babbling in terror at me. LOOK MOMMY! My hand is GONE! WOMAN! What did you do with it. I started laughing so hard I literally had to take him off the changing table and sit down. He was so upset about it.

Well, im off to clean up the beastie-food (1st babies, then mice-ies, ugh!)

Oh, and my poor hubby is feeling kinda sick. I hope he steams his bad beasties (flu and cold ones) out.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Its the new year, and as usual I'm inspired to MAKE SOME CHANGES (any change, any? heheh) (can you make a baby an addict to goldfish?)

I always like shaking things up around the house, reorganizing, redecorating, etc. That being said, I've noticed that I will spend 5 hours cleaning my house for a party, 1 hour getting my kids ready in expensive, cordinating outfits, 20 minutes carefully considering what my husband will wear and approximately 10 minutes throwing something on myself and brushing my hair. Luckily, I've worked (and need MORE work) on getting together some niceish accessories, so I usually am not embarrasing, but not really great either. (With the exception of my hat I wore to church, I'm bringing Glamour back, timerlake style, hahah, anyway.)

The whole point of that long winded rant was that I need to pay attention a little more to me. I'm ALMOST there in loosing the baby weight. About another 10 (might be 15 after holidays) pounds and I will be good. I need to get some exercise, I need to figure out how that is possible with my kids. Usually I just blow it off because I feel that I can't with the two of them. I want to do some more creative things to give my brain an outlet. (Its getting challenged by my work...when people ask me what I do, I say, well, I'm a graphic designer, but now I work part time as a medical writer and I stay home with my kids...they usually look fairly confused.)

I want to get the house in great, organized style. I want there to be little bins for the gloves, and little bins for the socks (i need more decent socks, most of mine have holes in the toes that poke out when they make you take your shoes off on the mats at playtime and its bad people), BINS FOR EVERYONE! I'm a big fan of baskets and bins. I just haven't figured out where people put their stuff without them. I dont' remember having bins and baskets growing up, but where did the stuff go? Maybe we just have more stuff. I'm also in the process of setting up my husband's closet in one of our guest rooms. He has been squireling away clothes in the attic for months now and its DARN scary up there. Makes it hard to put together those dashing outfits I was talking about quickly.

I want to book time for ME to get a mani/ pedi at least once a month, and time to do personal grooming at home, and time to exercise, and I think some electrolosis sometime this year. I need to find a great dermatologist...I've had my babies, now it's time to get myself back in fighting shape. I want my beach bod back, even better than it was.

This year I want to snow ski at least once, and maybe even take a SCUBA dive. Is that asking too much?
Today is a record day! For TODAY, my (still) 8 month old son -
ATE goldfish...didn't choke...looked properly amazed when i dumped MORE out of the package on his tray...he drank water out of a SIPPY cup, and makes funny noises and holds up his gummy handful of goldfish and phfissyisszzzes (my spelling of his noise) at them in glee.

Yup. Life is purty darn good. Today, I am looking at his little grin (full of tiny teeth) and I'm just enjoying the fact that he is sitting here.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Ok, now that the "wrap up" post is done, (I just wanted to get some of it on "paper" as it is) I am going to list some of my goals.

I'm not going to make RESOLUTIONS...that sounds kind of intimidating. I am going to set some goals. That seems easier. :-)

I want to get through today. And learn, that it is indeed, about today. I want to be a better Mom, a better

I need to finish unpacking (still haven't found my knives) and get organized. I was inspired to write a big long post, but im not anymore. hehehe
Well its a new year. I can't believe that 2007 is already here. 2006 was LOOOONG, stressful and unbelievably rewarding. I started the year halfway through an incredibly difficult pregnancy, went on hospital bedrest soon afterwards, missed a family friend's wedding, had a little boy, had emergency surgery, had the little boy put BACK in the hospital, drove to Michigan with a 1 month old (who was born a month early), put our house back on the market, hosted a dedication party for 200 people, went to tennessee for the 4th of july, sold our house, went to maryland and new jersey for john and hazel's wedding, went to arizona for david and belindas wedding, came home and moved in a weekend, then i left with the kids to go to michigan and florida. We came home to a new house, new neighborhood. We have spent most of the last 3 months rennovating our house and trying to get settled. We went back to TN for thanksgiving, and on to Memphis to celebrate my 30th birthday with my bestest twin. Then it was back here for my birthday party, we hosted a christmas open house for 40+ people, went to several christmas programs and parties, had 12 family members stay with us for the christmas holiday, and now (Jan 2, 2007) its just back to me and the children.

If you would have told me on January 2, 2006 that all of that would have happened this year, I would have run and hidden away whimpering. But we are here, we are safe. Thank You God.