Thursday, May 24, 2007

How do you put into words a feeling so hard that sad doesnt even begin to cut it?

That yes, you know you will make it through, and yes, eventually you will not cry, but no, no, no, your heart will never be happy exactly the same way again. That your dreams were altered and now you cannot go back to being happy with the old ones.

Today we found out that our precious miracle baby was not to be in our arms here. That amazing newborn expectation wasn't going to happen. I had made room in my heart for you, my love. And I will miss you all of my days.

Your mama loved you. And you were wanted, very very much.

Friday, May 18, 2007

Today is May 18, 2007.

10 years of marriage, exactly.

Ten amazing years that were full of sock-u-in-the-gut moments. Our first teensy-weensy apartment that we bought OURSELVES with the money we got from selling one of our cars. (We each had one when we got married.) Our first moment of knowing that we were in this for matter how hard that particular moment was. I knew that my husband was not going to leave. Period. THAT was a hard concept for me. He was in this for the long run, and frankly it took a few years for me to accept that. But I did. We got married very, very young. We had to finish growing up together...and we did. Honestly, me more than him. I had to figure out what real life meant compared to the fairy tale I had made up in my mind.

Oh, but the hundreds of moments have made it absolutely worth it. Moments of complete and utter joy, when our daughter and son were born. That squishy newborn look. The scary, intense moments in the hospital...and he was ALWAYS by my side. He has slept on a hospital cot for many nights, honestly never missed one. The most scary moments of a life, and the most simple moments of laughter and full of love. THOSE shared moments are what make a lifetime.

He has worked LONG hours to provide for his family, and then come home at night and said "honey, you are tired, lay down and I will finish feeding the kids and put them to bed" (Ok, that one happens mostly only when Im pregnant, but its still pretty darn great considering he gets home at almost 8pm.) He has never said no when I have asked for his help. He is a fantastic father, and quite simply, my man, my love, and my life partner.

I hear him snoring in the other room right now, and I just appreciate him being here. He has always made me feel pretty and desired...even when he had to crawl into a hospital bed to "stare into my eyes" and hold my hand.

I would be lost without him, and I thank God every day for the family he has given me. That he has given me the strengh that is in this man. That he will teach me to appreciate him more every day and to let him know that he knocks my socks off...still.

Thank-you husband for being the man, father, and love that you are. I would not be me without you.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Well...its been a long time since I posted. So much has happened in the last 5.5 weeks.

James, my beloved, hardwon, baby boy turned 1 year old. When I found out I was pregnant with a little boy the second time around, I was shocked, and not sure what I felt. I was expecting a girl. I had a girl, I knew how to parent a girl. But a BOY? huh? Did I need to buy a baseball right away? What was the standard operating procedure here? Then my pregnancy progressed into a hellish ride of high blood pressure and a dialating cervix that landed me on bedrest for months. Delivery was coming every day, we were prepared EVERY DAY to have a preemie that would be in the NICU for weeks or months. Well, with God's assistance, he came only slightly early and was healthy (after we got past the first NICU stay, and my almost hemmoraging, and uh, the bad infections, and uh...). It was, NOT an easy ride, emotionally or physically. It was, quite honestly, the hardest part of my life I've gone through. And there have been some rough patches. But the daily wondering if you are going to loose your baby because you maybe went to the bathroom one too many times is very hard on a mother. I was worried that I wasn't going to bond with him as well. I was worried (by his constant angry-ness) that he didn't feel bonded to me and that I had messed him up somehow...I was just worried. Fast forward a year later and he is a happy, smiling little blond angel. Laughs the best belly laugh you have ever heard. Gets into trouble like no-one's business, but with the sweetest blue eyes. He is part of my joy, and his "mama's boy". Even likes a snuggle now and then, which he would not tolerate for quite some time. He is my love.

But. I never expected to get pregnant again. I was done. Gave the stuff away, sent off the maternity clothes. Done. Completely. I had the weight off (well, 5 lbs to go), was back in my normal clothes, was going to buy size 8 shorts for the first time in 5 summers or so. I was all ready to party in Vegas with my honey for our 10th year anniversary. And. Uh.....surprise. 10 years of marriage and I have never become pregnant naturally. Ever.

Didn't even occur to me for a week. Tested in TARGET! That's how sure I was that it was negative. BUT, it was positive. Quickly positive.

So, after a rollercoaster week of blood tests, we are still hanging in there. I'm back on rear-end shots that hurt like H(*&! and make my sit-down-upon very hard to sit-down-upon. And tired. But we are back in the game after retirement. And you know what? I'm happy. Scared, yes. Nervous, yes. But darn happy.

So pray, keep us in good thoughts, petition. We want this baby if its God's will and it will be okay.

Today it's name is:
Liliana Hope OR
Weston Bruce