Sunday, June 17, 2007

WARNING...stream of thoughts...may not make a heck of a lot of sense.

How do you feel...so many things at once?

I'm still so so sad about loosing our baby. I dont even like the way that sounds...loosing. I didn't misplace it. There was nothing I could have done differently. We spent about $2500 on just trying to KEEP it. I had such dreams for it...they came so fast and we held on so tight. And I'm trying to figure out how to let go. How to find out how to be happy and secure and GOOD in my life again.

I had jumped off the merry-go-round of baby making. No more tests, no more blood draws, no more "expert" doctors poking around in my bits...I was done. It was all about having fun with the babies I have and the husband I have and getting on to the next stage in our lives. We were done with babies. Then it became a possibility agian. Then it wasn't. And I feel adrift. I don't know what we need, what I want.

I wanted to be part of "club". I wanted my sisters to get pregnant so we could all experience it together. Well, they did...and I am not anymore.

I am SO SO happy about each one, I will treasure each baby for the miracle it is. I will love them sincerely. But...in a way it hurts. It is something I thought I would be a part of and now I am not. I'm a bit jealous of them, of this new discovery and miracle in their lives. A very close friend just had a baby last week, and as I held that tiny new life, I was wishing for mine.

But I wanted THAT baby. I worked for THAT baby. And that isn't a possibility. And it mkaes me MAD.

But I don't know if another whole life fits for us. A baby...I love that idea. But another life...thats a big responsibility. Clothes, diapers, food, time, school money, new shoes, new dresses and trucks, and high school and college and trips and traveling and grad school and weddings...that all costs a LOT. In time, in energy, in money. I am a good Mama. A very good one. My kids have more than enough of everything they need, including me. Is there enough for another? Is it good for us as a family? Would we all come out the other side of pregnancy and birth okay? Being on bedrest changed my relationship with my daughter, am I willing to go through that again? I just dont know.

I know, now isnt the time to figure it out. I need to get healthier, I need to just BE for a while.

But still, I wanted to be part of the club. And I'm not. And it hurts.

But I'm happy because there is new life coming...and I'm sad too because one of them isn't mine.

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Side-by-Side
by-the-forest-side

ponytails and bright eyes
watching for magic

forest-side shadows start their creep
toe-by-toe
accross the blades of dew
sprinkled to reflect
the fairies starting to wink-blink-shine

ponytails and crystal bells
to capture a flight of fancy

side-by-side companions
sure of magic, sure of life


A flight of memory for my life companion, my best friend. There are relationships that can only be explained as THERE. My sisterfriendtwin has been THERE. In my life, in my heart. Through the gigglegum and the nightbefores and the Icantbreathes. And she will be there. And so will I.

Thank-you.
As you all know, its been a hard few weeks for the DangerElf clan. I came over to leave a little message that is funny, somewhat unbelievable, and quite cute. At least... as cute as a 33 year old man gaping at an "empty" backyard can be.

Tonight while we were eating dinner, my Hubband suddenly leapt up from the chair and dashed to the front window, peering intently out into the front yard. The sun had just set and it was slightly dusky. His posture radiated intense interest in whatever was going on.
"What is it!?"
"I'm not sure"

I laughed. He'd told me the other day that he'd never seen a firefly in his life before. In all of his 33 years, he'd not once lived in a place that had the little critters during the summer. I thought I might have an inkling...

"Was it a firefly?"
"Im not sure! It just.. blinked"

I grabbed his hand and pulled him out back. Since we live in town, there aren't all that many fireflies, but I'd seen a few over the last couple of days so I knew if we were just patient. We stood silently, holding hands for a few minutes. He finally gave up.

"I dont think there..."
"There! in the middle of the yard!"

He looked where I pointed and was just in time to see 2 more blink in and out.

"That's SO COOL!"

We watched them for a few more minutes before escaping the ubiquitous mosquitos, but I'll never forget the look on his face. That sense of wonder that most of us feel the first time we see a firefly. That summer way back when you were 9 or 10 and the world was opening all sorts of new and exciting doors. Its so amazing to see that same look and experience that wonder again through not just your children or your nieces and nephews, but through the eyes of an adult who has seen more than his share of sorrow and stress and of the world and of war. Seeing it through his eyes, for just a few minutes this evening I was back in a Kentucky holler, running through the dusky woods with a jar in my hand and my best friend at my side.

With love, and dreams,
LadyBoyd