Sunday, June 17, 2007

WARNING...stream of thoughts...may not make a heck of a lot of sense.

How do you feel...so many things at once?

I'm still so so sad about loosing our baby. I dont even like the way that sounds...loosing. I didn't misplace it. There was nothing I could have done differently. We spent about $2500 on just trying to KEEP it. I had such dreams for it...they came so fast and we held on so tight. And I'm trying to figure out how to let go. How to find out how to be happy and secure and GOOD in my life again.

I had jumped off the merry-go-round of baby making. No more tests, no more blood draws, no more "expert" doctors poking around in my bits...I was done. It was all about having fun with the babies I have and the husband I have and getting on to the next stage in our lives. We were done with babies. Then it became a possibility agian. Then it wasn't. And I feel adrift. I don't know what we need, what I want.

I wanted to be part of "club". I wanted my sisters to get pregnant so we could all experience it together. Well, they did...and I am not anymore.

I am SO SO happy about each one, I will treasure each baby for the miracle it is. I will love them sincerely. But...in a way it hurts. It is something I thought I would be a part of and now I am not. I'm a bit jealous of them, of this new discovery and miracle in their lives. A very close friend just had a baby last week, and as I held that tiny new life, I was wishing for mine.

But I wanted THAT baby. I worked for THAT baby. And that isn't a possibility. And it mkaes me MAD.

But I don't know if another whole life fits for us. A baby...I love that idea. But another life...thats a big responsibility. Clothes, diapers, food, time, school money, new shoes, new dresses and trucks, and high school and college and trips and traveling and grad school and weddings...that all costs a LOT. In time, in energy, in money. I am a good Mama. A very good one. My kids have more than enough of everything they need, including me. Is there enough for another? Is it good for us as a family? Would we all come out the other side of pregnancy and birth okay? Being on bedrest changed my relationship with my daughter, am I willing to go through that again? I just dont know.

I know, now isnt the time to figure it out. I need to get healthier, I need to just BE for a while.

But still, I wanted to be part of the club. And I'm not. And it hurts.

But I'm happy because there is new life coming...and I'm sad too because one of them isn't mine.

1 comment:

LadyBoyd said...

In our way, I think this is how all of us are feeling. Its always in the back of our minds and the corners of our hearts that we reserved for the little one we were not able to get to know...