I don't know where to start...amazing how much and so little can happen in a month.
This month we have:
-traveled to Lake George, twice. First time, I cried on the boat because I was so sad about our baby...second time I cried on the boat because I was sad about our baby and happy about twinsisterfriends baby.
-traveled to Michigan, hung out with my parents. Got into fights, hugs, long conversations and generally regained a bit of balance in my world.
-had like 4 parties in one weekend. Birthdays, graduations, etc. Sylvia (friend) had the most awesome 40th birthday I have ever been to. Did you know there are WOODS in the bronx? Yeah, me either. Strange, but lovely.
-traveled to Kentucky for a dear old friends wedding (old as in knew her since she came home from the hospital, 23 years ago). Was lovely to see people I havent seen in so long and know they are still THERE.
-gave my daughter a wonderful, garden, fairy, butterfly filled 4th birthday. In which I spent all day and 5 HUGE bags of trash cleaning up from. And scrubbing pizza and paint out of the carpet.
-am now preparing for guests this weekend.
Sigh. Life is busy. It is full. It is good. It is full of baby steps and giggles and smiles and tears. My mental image of my son from today was when he was pulling all his daddy's shoes off the rack and then started on his pants. (Which I had neatly folded and put there moments before.) I said NO JAIME!!! (for the 10th time) and smacked his little hand. He just stood there, all 2.5 feet of him in his footie pajamas and poked out his little lip. His big blue eyes got full of tears and he just stared at me. I held out my arms for him, and he reached up and just hung on. But I will ALWAYS remember that blond baby boy with the pout standing in the sunshine. Even when he is 6'4 and doesnt hang on quite so tight.
My life feels solid. I have had pain...real, physical, knock you out (literally) pain...and the gut-wrenching mental pain of loss that tears you up so hard that when you cry you can't even close your mouth or make a sound because it just hurts so damn bad.
But I have had the joy too. The wow moments of stunning happiness when you touch new skin for the first time on your baby...the way that new package of skin, and bones and blood feels. The amazing, quiet joy of feeling my love there after a hard and scary dream. The knowledge that I am loved.
The stretching of the soul is what makes us human. The reflection of our emotions and the quiet meditation of the soul is what makes us. We are made in the image of our God...with the amazing capacity for growth.
I have wished and prayed for the hard parts to be taken away. But thats not what life is on this planet. We are living it, for the good and in the bad. We are IN this experiment...and the only thing that will make it "all better" is the end of it. God cannot make it soft and shield us from the awfulness of life, or we would never want it to stop.
So, I am choosing. I am choosing to have faith. I am CHOOSING to hang on to that hand that I cannot see. I am choosing to live this life he has granted me, and to praise. To give thanks. Even for the things that suck the most. I'm making that decision.
To end on a lighter note, I love this quote and thought it over again as I held my baby boy in my arms tonight:
"Cleaning and scrubbing can wait 'til tomorrow
For babies grow up we've learned to our sorrow.
So quiet down cobwebs, dust go to sleep
I'm rocking my baby, and babies don't keep!"