The life and times of a Southern Belle...

2009-10-29T12:26:00.000-07:00

contest will be up soon!

2009-09-02T06:36:00.000-07:00

First Grade- Gracie style.

(But apparently, Mr. Whootson is only allowed to call her Gracie)

So, my girl. Oh my girl. She is off to 1st Grade. I realized she will REMEMBER these days now...she ran ahead and was impatient with us to hurry. I was proud, because there is a special ed girl in her class who is sitting at her desk group, and i know that she and another boy were chosen to sit there because they have the reputation for being kind and easy going. I was proud because she knew already what to do and was happy to do it.

I was proud because we got her this far and she is a fantastic kid.

But just a tiny, tiny bit...I was so sad to see how long she is, how sure of herself, how little she needed my hand. She told me I was holding hers a little too tight.

But today? Less sad, more hopeful. Someone told me once,

"We are so sad to see them grow, but imagine the alternative."

Good Luck my Grace. You are well on your way to being a fantastic human being, and I am enjoying every moment of getting to know you. I will miss having you home every day so very much, but I know that you have your own journey you need to take, I am here only to be your caretaker and cheerleader. Im here baby, any time...but I'm so proud of you for letting go, just a little bit.

2009-07-27T06:14:00.000-07:00

When did my tiny baby become a mermaid?

(she will be 6 tomorrow!)

2009-07-14T09:43:00.000-07:00

inside of card

2009-07-14T09:42:00.000-07:00

Front of G's birthday invite

2009-07-13T20:15:00.000-07:00

Fairy Catcher...

2009-07-08T12:49:00.000-07:00

the site will be up soon...

2009-06-24T14:16:00.000-07:00

trying out my new video camera, warning...kinda boring!

2009-06-16T14:28:00.000-07:00

Mah boy...

From James

2009-03-30T12:27:00.000-07:00

James Richard - 3 years (almost)

Oh, my boy...I think maybe next year I will stop with the "oh, we had such a hard time getting you here" posts around your birthday...frankly, it seems so long ago and you were so very, very worth it. It was hard, I was sick...but you are one of the best gifts I've been given.

You are the most amazing, wonderful, and every other adjective little boy I've ever met. Sure, you are extremely passionate about doing things yourself...even to the point where you want to sit on the pot by yourself with me outside of the stall or door. But...you still want me on the other side of the door. You care deeply about every little thing in your life, from your family to your red car. Its usually your favorite. I marvel at the level of passion you put into everything you do. You are 100%, all of the time, and I know that is going to stand you well as a man.

Oh, the man you are going to be my darling. I glimpse him sometimes in your furrowed brow, in your very determination to wear the "strong stripes" that you love so much. I see his handsomeness in your ever-sparkling green/blue eyes, and his soul in your willingness to include EVERYONE, even the little boy in the corner who is "special"...he is to you. You want to make sure he knows that too...you make sure every one of your little boy's game includes him even if he doesnt understand what you are playing. His mama tells me he talks about his "friend-James". Like it's one word.

I'm so very proud of you, and yet its not something I can take credit for, its just YOU.

We call you the mayor, because you haven't met many you aren't interested in. I'm sometimes a little embarrased by the "what YOUR name?" you demand of everyone you meet...even the guy who pumped our gas today, but I worry needlessly, they are all charmed by you. You offer a plump paw, a dimpled grin- and somehow you just know that mostly what people want is to know you SEE them.

Your strong hugs, your "kiss me!" demands are moments I treasure during the day. They don't come as frequently as they may from others, but OH! what they mean. When I walk through the door of your school, the smile that lights your face and the "theres my MAMA!" accompanied by the full force run-into-my-arms...I will hold that moment in my heart's treasure box forever.

Your physical and mental talents are many, you have a keen ear for music, you kick a mean ball, you are close to reading, and you can walk in 4 inch red satin high heels (your papa wont let me take a picture).

My boy...I love saying that, thinking that, loving you.

Happy 3rd Birthday!

2009-03-15T19:00:00.000-07:00

March 15, 2009

Hiking with my girls!

2009-03-12T06:28:00.000-07:00

I love this mailbox...

I see it everyday, 4 x's a day.

I finally took my camera this morning just so I could have a picture of him.

2009-03-11T08:10:00.000-07:00

Im really lucky, my kids are so close...

when my 3rd child was born, my oldest (barely 5 years) said

"Mama! I can't take care of another baby, I have my hands full

raising brother (2 years)!"

2009-03-09T10:41:00.000-07:00

Isn't he a handsome devil?

2009-03-09T07:19:00.000-07:00

Vintage Beauty!

(My Niece)

2009-03-08T06:58:00.000-07:00

They make my heart happy!

2009-03-07T15:59:00.000-08:00

She is growing into such a beauty!

2009-03-07T06:35:00.000-08:00

My beautiful flowers...

2009-02-18T19:53:00.000-08:00

Could he be anymore handsome?

2009-02-18T19:50:00.000-08:00

DADDY! WHAT ON EARTH IS THIS?

(her first taste of peas)

2009-02-18T19:36:00.000-08:00

My Beauty.

2009-02-18T19:23:00.000-08:00

A little late, but too cute not to post

2009-02-18T19:17:00.000-08:00

Best Friends.

2009-02-18T19:13:00.000-08:00

Happy Angels.

2009-02-16T07:17:00.000-08:00

She isn't entirely sure how she feels about this Vermont Place...

so many layers!

2009-02-16T07:15:00.000-08:00

He can go down the hill, all by himself!

2009-02-16T07:14:00.000-08:00

The finish line...she crossed it without falling.

(one of the first of many successful races in her life)

2009-02-16T07:08:00.000-08:00

Me, my 5 month old and my MIL out on the slopes!

2009-02-16T07:04:00.000-08:00

My amazing 5 year old!

(I'm not sure I could have done this course!)

2009-02-16T07:03:00.000-08:00

Proud, proud Mama!

My 2 year old can ski!

2009-01-27T07:09:00.000-08:00

sweet potato pie...

(her first bites of food)

2009-01-26T11:44:00.000-08:00

Mom! Get this woman away from me!

2009-01-26T07:25:00.000-08:00

Hey Coz- Gimme some of that, quick before they look!

2009-01-26T06:36:00.000-08:00

Morning After.

2009-01-26T06:30:00.000-08:00

Spring...will come again...someday...

2009-01-23T06:57:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday to the Hottest Guy I know...

2009-01-17T17:15:00.000-08:00

isnt she pretty?

2009-01-15T19:26:00.000-08:00

I take credit for the book...
but I can't claim the blue eyes...
(my darling niece

2009-01-15T17:34:00.000-08:00

Attitude.
at 4 months.
sigh.

2009-01-15T17:26:00.000-08:00

Baby Shaped Perfection

2009-01-15T06:23:00.000-08:00

My only resolution this year is to

Practice Kindness.

This can and should apply to every aspect of our lives, from letters written (real, old fashioned ones), to time given, to speaking gently but firmly, to just letting people know I am interested in THEM.

I'm thinking on this, I will have more to say about it later. But there are many goals in my life, but this is my resolution.

2009-01-12T16:52:00.000-08:00

2009

There are so many things I would like to accomplish in this year. Here they are in no specific order, and in now way am I committing to anything! I'm just brainstorming! (How is that for a disclaimer...)

1. Organize my digital pictures. They are spread across several barely working computers. And several that have pretty much given up the ghost. Not good.

2. Organize my actual pictures. They are all piled up in a box. Not too good for them, but I guess I could grab it if i needed to run.

3. Do some kind of scrapbook/baby book/thingy for my kids. I have scraps of paper, random dates, etc. written down. But not a lot else, and I'm so afraid these precious memories are going to be gone one day and I wont have written anything down.

4. Organize my bills/taxes/businesses. We have done a lot of positive things for our family and financial situation this year. But I really need a good way to be able to put my finger on things and not have tax time be such a headache.

5. Organize my freelance business. Even if I only did one or two projects this year, I desperately need some kind of creative output. How to do this with 3 kids and house hunting, etc? I dunno.

6. Get our family business online. Leases, apts, rentals, etc. Its all done by hand right now and thats not going to work for too much longer.

7. Take at least one continuing educational class. Again, see "desperately need to leave the house sometimes". Yeah, that.

8. Spend more one on one time with my kids and spouse. I've been planning little ways to do this, and hopefully this will continue to get easier and better.

9. More physical activity. I need to get the last 10 lbs of baby weight off and I want to tone up and feel more energy. Just 10 minutes a day is better than nothing. Just need to get my butt in gear and actually do this. In the 5 minutes I'm not doing all the other stuff. I think it will be easier once we open the pool this summer, I love to swim and it is easier to walk out your backdoor. But then again, we might be moving this summer...sigh.

10. I would really, really, really like to have a studio. Just a small corner where tiny hands wont knock over my canvasses, steal my pencils and brushes, and smear my computer with fabric paint (yes, it happens).

11. I want to do my adult sabbath school lesson this year. Ive done 1.5 weeks so far.

thats my starting list...ill be adding to it.

2009-01-10T09:07:00.000-08:00

Sleep in heavenly
Peace.

2009-01-10T09:00:00.000-08:00

'dis my widdle Sissy
(literal translation)

2009-01-10T08:57:00.000-08:00

'dis my Brudder...
(mommy translation)

2009-01-10T08:50:00.000-08:00

So doll, you see here...
first YOU make the distraction and then
I WILL grab the cake...

2009-01-10T08:42:00.000-08:00

Baby, its COLD outside...

2009-01-10T07:14:00.000-08:00

Heart Break 'er

2009-01-10T07:07:00.000-08:00

SISTERS, SISTERS....
(there were never such devoted sisters)

2008-12-26T09:18:00.000-08:00

Santa Baby...
(in memory)

2008-12-25T09:47:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas One and All-

Despite it being a busy and tiring year...it has been wonderful. I woke up this morning to my little ones crowding the bed...my handsome husband looking at me and smiling...could a girl ask for more? They are all here and healthy, and I am blessed.

I was assembling a dollhouse until 1am and watching White Christmas, I felt like a parent and the feeling was good! The fire was blazing, Bing was singing, Danny was dancing and the world was good.

I am playing with my Christmas present, a new MacBook and it is THE MOST WONDERFUL THING...second only maybe to my iphone which I love very, very much!

2008-11-21T07:31:00.000-08:00

MY WORLD

2008-10-31T07:44:00.000-07:00

She be gettin' big...

They be gettin' cute...

I be gettin' tired...

2008-10-14T18:55:00.000-07:00

Isn't she lovely?
Isn't she wonderful?

2008-10-14T17:29:00.000-07:00

Rebecca Lilian
7 lb 2.5 oz.
Sept. 10

A new love...

2008-08-27T08:18:00.000-07:00

gone, baby, gone...

so, today...today is a big day.

My little, precious firstborn daughter walked into her classroom, greeted her teacher politely, sat down and started playing. She looked up a couple of times to see if we were still there. She wanted to know where her backpack was. She stood at the flagpole and squinted into the sun, yawning. She looked so complete, and yet so little with her blond hair in a ponytail and her jean jacket just a touch too big....we had to roll it up at the sleeve. Her backpack is bigger than she is, but she wants to carry it anyway. She has lunch money, and she is a little concerned about counting it right.

She is wearing hello kitty shoes because they match her backback, grey leggings and a pink ruffled shirt/tunic. I packed everything I could think of, but I forgot an extra outfit. That made me cry for 15 minutes. But I figured its better not to rush back in waving extra underwear...:-) They will call if she needs me, right?

I want her to need me, but I want her to be...her. I want her to learn and be excited and enjoy everything there is in the world that she wants to know about. She has so many questions, and I have so few answers. I hope this opens up a world to her of figuring out the answers, or at least knowing its okay to ask the questions. I want her to never be hurt, never be upset...and now it's all out of my hands. The next time she crys, I might not be there. The next time she figures something out, I might not be the one who helped. She is okay with that, I hope I will be.

But she still will need me...right? I pray that the phone I have stuck to me like glue doesnt ring...that she is happy and those blue eyes are still sparkling in 3 hours.

A little piece of my heart is walking around now all by itself, growing into the heart of a woman that it will be someday. But wow, it hurts.

2008-07-01T06:42:00.001-07:00

so....blogging in twitter like bursts because thats all my brain can handle right now...

1. my son is flying without a diaper today. we will see how that goes at least for a little while....I never thought I would spend a majority of my day saying "do you need to pee-pee"?

2. i had my 3 hour gestational diabetes test yesterday because I failed the 1 hour one. NOT fun, hope I dont fail this one. It might put a hitch in my ice cream whenever possible plans.

3. I bought a giant pool-like thing. Its 13 feet round and has a pump and stuff. I'm mighty intimidated.

4. I am anemic. I have blood in my output. Its all such a lovely thing.

5. We might have found a place to rent. We like it, it will work. The people that own it may or not be a famous Filipino singer and he lives overseas and is on vacation in China. Sigh. Such is my luck, eh?

6. I havent started packing. Not one little ounce of box. Nope.

7. I dream about the colors I dont like that Im just sure I will have to live with and it wakes me up with the willies.

8. I slept 4.5 hours last night despite the fact that I took Tylenol PM. My brain and body are just a little twitchy right now. (And im not even talking about the alien inside that keeps twitching.)

9. I have a nasty client that hasnt paid me in 5 months. THAT bothers me in the middle of the night too.

10. I feel isolated but I dont feel like socializing...I just want to nest and get ready for the baby and I have NO NEST TO FEATHER. This is BOTHERING ME. A LITTLE BIT. YOU THINK?

2008-06-19T06:49:00.000-07:00

Grumpy.
Grumpy.
Grumpy.

So, Im having a baby in just over 2 months...we are moving in about a month, we haven't started packing, there is a giant hole in my front yard where "eee Gawds" there might be a tiny little bit of oil that leaked so LITERALLY it has to be inspected by several different types of environmental places...and LOADS of dirt taken out and replaced. The east river? fish can't live there anymore, but if there is a tiny bit of oil that seeped out of your tank (you literally cant see any) then they will hunt you down in the night. With urgency.

We havent found a school for my very bright little girl, the neighborhood we like doesnt have any houses for rent that aren't the most horrid little things for over $7000.00.

I know God has a plan for us, I am trying hard to trust in that...but PLEASE Father...could you help us find it soon? Before I get so stressed out I'm twitching?

2008-05-22T06:33:00.000-07:00

I'm 20 Weeks and 2 days pregnant with Rebecca in this one...
she is should be here in about 16 weeks!

2008-05-22T06:31:00.000-07:00

Miss G and her "bro". (She calls him that because HER daddy calls his brother that.)

2008-05-22T06:29:00.000-07:00

Our family travels to Lake George for vacation quite often. We are considering putting a vacation place up there. Last time we were there (in April) it was darn chilly, so Uncle P bought everyone matching GAP sweatshirts. Aren't we cute?

2008-05-18T17:46:00.000-07:00

11 Years Today.

11 years ago I watched the handsomest green eyes cry because he thought I was beautiful...11 years ago I played a little thumb wrestle with the hand that I hope to hold for the rest of my life...11 years ago I toasted to our new life together...11 years ago I joined my life to my love.

There have been ups and downs, and ins and outs. There have been days when I thought that ONE MORE SOCK ON THAT SIDE OF THE BED WOULD END UP WITH ME OR IT OUT THE WINDOW. And there have been days where that Hand was the only thing I could find to hold onto in my whole world. He is the first one I want to tell a good joke to, and the last one I want to see when I close my eyes at night. He is a better father to our children than I could have made up, if I would have imagined one.

To my Love...who also is known as my husband.

Happy Anniversary darling.

2008-05-16T09:21:00.000-07:00

UPDATE: (re: my daughter's school interview)

(we don't have any results yet)

(she was not coached in any way...we didnt even tell her they would be interviewing or anything...just that she would see a school and meet a teacher)

BUT,

she walked in, stuck out her hand, met the teacher ands said "Hi, I'm Grace. G-R-A-C-E. I can spell."

How could they not be blown away?

2008-05-16T07:10:00.000-07:00

Today it all starts.

I just dressed my little girl in her finest striped tights...her favorite pink horse sweater...and her pink butterfly rain boots. Then off she went on her Daddy's arm (literally, he carried her) to have her first school interview. I just waved good-bye and tried not to cry. I didn't tell her or warn her about the interview, I just said that she and Daddy were going to have a special time and go look at a school and talk to a teacher. All she wanted to know was if the school had a good playground. All I wanted to know was how was it possible that almost 5 years have gone by since that little hand grasped mine for the first time.

This might not be the school for her, this might not even be the right time for her to start school. Against most popular opinion, I don't think that a formal, full day kindergarten is the most important thing in the world. She is smart, I know that. Everyone that comes in contact with her mentions how smart, kind and respectful she is. I know she might be ready to move on to the next stage in her life, I'm just not sure that I am ready for that.

No one tells you how hard it is when your heart starts walking around outside and away from you. I can only pray it always comes back.

Good Luck my sweetheart, my first born, my love. May you find that the road isn't too hard, that there are wonderful secrets to be learned and discovered, and know that your Mama is always waiting here for you. I'm always on your side.

Just in case you ever wonder.

2008-04-27T19:15:00.000-07:00

Okay, so we are pretty sure we have decided on a name for our new little princess that is ON HER WAY!!!

2008-04-11T07:42:00.000-07:00

To you, my son...

I never really knew what joy a little boy could bring to his mama. I never knew how sweet a sticky head can be that is laid on your arm for just ONE QUICK MOMENT before he is off to play. I never knew how enthusiastic little arms could be when they are flung around my neck for a squeeze. I never knew how important you would be to me.

When I found out I was having a little boy, oh, the thoughts flew around. I wasn't sure HOW to have a boy. A girl, yup, I got that covered. But a boy was a completely foreign territory. But, oh, what a wonderful territory of scrapes, bumps, stickies, dirt, wheels and fascination it is! He studies things with complete interest. He loves balloons (BOONS!), cars (CAHS!), balls (BAHS!) and anything that has to do with sporting equipment. He adores his one bear (bah on any other snuggly thing), a soft blanket (must be tucked UNDER the arms), his bottle (yup, he still gets one sometimes), and he calls himself "baby" (although he is 40 inches tall). He hates it when you try and dress him up, he is very opinionated about his clothing. He loves shoes of any sort, but the blinking cowboy boots are the best. He has at least 3 cowlicks, and his hair does it's own thing. He has blue rimmed eyes, with green in the middle. He will stumble backward and whine, he will march around the house complaining when he doesn't get his way. He threw a flower pot at his sister's head the other day. He wraps his arms around my leg and says "oh mama!". He doesn't like his green jacket, but he really likes his blue one. The giraffe boots are preferred, but he will settle for the green frogs. But under no circumstances are you to put him in his sisters pink butterfly boots, that is cause for mutiny! He really likes Go, Diego, Go! and his spanish class...Elmo also rates. He looks down on the Doodlebobs and Tom & Jerry frighten him. He thinks he knows all the alphabet, but he knows about 8 of them. He can count to 10, but will only do it if you are doing it wrong. He will put himself to bed if he is tired. He will get out of bed all night and play if he is not. He sleeps in a queen sized bed because he is a big kid. He knows how to work the toilet and what goes into it, but do NOT sit him up on it, that causes screaming in terror fits. Likewise with the bathtub at the moment, but showers are okay. He loves spanish class, but doesn't pay attention all that well. He likes to play outside, he would stay there all day if that was possible. He says "OKAY" when he falls, even before you can ask him if he is okay. But he will not be okay until you kiss his hurt spot. He calls his sister "GWAYCE", and she calls him "Brother!" (usually with the emphasis as he has taken something or pulled something). He takes the dog's toy and runs away screaming "MINE"! He thinks that red is green, and green is blue. He beats on his "drum" (a turned over box) and sings every 3rd word to "You are my sunshine" (which is his favorite song). He has been able to jump and walk up stairs since he was about 18 months old.

He is amazing, and obviously, I think he is the smartest, most wonderful little boy out there.

I love you son.

2008-04-11T07:28:00.000-07:00

My son.

He blew out the candles on his 2nd birthday cake all by himself.

He was quite proud of himself.

2008-04-11T07:25:00.000-07:00

Now to brag about his cake that I decorated! My sister (ladyboyd) does cakes semi-professionally and she usually does the cakes for me. Due to littlelady being born a couple of months ago, she wasn't able to make it. So, I did it myself! I don't think it turned out too badly.

This is the kid's version of the clown car...

I have no clue how many there are on this swing!

2008-04-11T07:21:00.000-07:00

Ok, for some pictures from James' 2nd Birthday Weekend...

He wasn't completely thrilled with his "birthday suit"...

but isn't he such a big boy?

(This is the morning of his 2nd birthday)

"Nothing comes between me and my Pops, Lady."

Now that is service...Grandpa Peter brings food!

Baby Bean

2008-04-10T17:15:00.001-07:00

Baby & Pregnancy Countdown Tickergreat free widgetsWidgetbox

2008-04-10T07:24:00.000-07:00

I'm starting to feel better, I havent thrown up since Monday! Horray! At the worst point I was throwing up 6-10 times a day, and it really affected my spirit. I just was so tired and run down. But now things are better, so I'm happier. Also, today is supposed to get to 70 degrees! I love warm weather and absolutely despise cold weather. Of course, it will get back down into the 40s this weekend, so I am going to enjoy today. I was upset, they put chemical fertilizer in our yard before I could stop them. I dont like that stuff, and I really dont like my babies playing in it.

My son's birthday party went really well this weekend, we had 23 kinds there, with a total of 50 people! It was a little of a mad house, but he seemed to have a blast. His favorite things in the world are cars and "boons" (balloons) so we had a race car theme, my husband even built a ramp outside and we covered the house with 5 dozen balloons. I even decorated my first cake, it was very cute. (My sister does them semi-professionally, so she had done them all before.) I will try and post a picture when my BIL gets my camera back to me.

I need to clean out all the closets and drawers in the house. I just can't get anything into any of them. In my drawers/closet I have sizes 6 to maternity...and I can't find anything to wear. I need to go through everything and pack up the regular clothes until well after baby bean arrives. I guess I wasn't sure this baby was going to make it, so I didnt want to put the clothes away. But I'm 15 weeks today, so in a few weeks I will be halfway there (for me). I think I'm ready to MAYBE put the regular clothing away for a little while. I also bought some pretty maternity dresses...now it just needs to get warm enough to wear them.

2008-03-13T06:50:00.000-07:00

Do you remember what it was like to feel really passionate about your work (or what we wish we could do for work)? That spark that caught when you first did something that clicked in your brain? You just didn't care how long it took to get it done because it was something that engaged you...

I've felt that spark several times. When I was 13, my parents both worked in a small country hospital. I loved everything about the medical field. I loved that they were working for something so very important. I loved the investigative side...I imagined myself as a biomedical researcher or simply a pediatrician. Getting older (and several med-level chem classes later), I realized that medicine was something I COULD be very good at, but it would be almost to the exclusion of everything else. I wanted a LIFE, a family...other stuff in addition. I give the people going into the medical field so much respect, it is a long road.

Then, I discovered graphic design. Specifically, computer supported graphic design. This was back when Macs were the only possible way to SLOWLY design something, and the internet was in basic beta mode. My degree is in advertising, and it seemed liked such a fun thing. I have made a career of graphic design, and it still makes me happy to move the pixels around until they look "just right". When everything clicks together and it lines up, and the colors go, and wheeee....love it still.

When I started putting together a home, I started learning about interior design. I read (and still read) every magazine and book I could get on the subject. I find it facinating how many different styles exist, and how it can be put together to create a warm, inviting, peaceful home.

When I am feeling frustrated and bored, I am trying to evaluate how I can get back to those "sparks"...if that means creatively, personally, or spiritually...

Where do you find the sparks?

2008-03-04T18:35:00.000-08:00

I'm in Memphis, TN waiting on my new niece hand and foot, and loving every minute of it. She is the most adorable little girl, and has stolen all of our hearts. She has 3 adults running around to make sure that she stays happy. But, as I tell my sister, she and the baby are only about half as much work as 1 toddler (and I have 2 with another baby on the way).

I'm feeling okay sometimes, sometimes not okay. I've enjoyed being here so much, but I miss my little stinkers so much. My daughter said that it would be good if I came home tomorrow, so maybe they miss me a little.

My new little bean is growing well, I can hear it's little heartbeat every night, so that makes me feel a little more secure.

I will be flying home tomorrow, hopefully we dont have the turbulence that we had last time on the way down. It made me S-I-C-K. Here is to a better flight.

2008-02-22T06:43:00.000-08:00

Ok! So, we have been so busy, and going here and going there and the house is on the market and ....

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

Yeah, pretty much what Amalah said. First trimester tired mixed with taking care of two children tired...mixed with the only things that sound good are french fries, cheese sandwhiches and the occasional soup. Really. Its pretty bad. Oh, and the puking, thats fun too.

On the good side, the baby is measuring on dates with a good, clear heartbeat of 167! hurrah! I'm starting to think that MAYBE there MIGHT be a baby? My DD likes to fixate on the fact that it MIGHT be here by halloween, and WHAT WILL IT WEAR?

2008-02-08T09:00:00.000-08:00

Just in case you didn't notice the large bright rainbow colored thing at the top...it might be official...we are expecting! I keep trying hard not to get TOO excited as those of you who know me know that I have lost 5 babies and kept 2. BUT, a lot of those were earlier-than-this losses...we have only gotten past this point once and not kept the baby. SO!!! We are calling it a win...for now anyway.

I saw the little bean and its heartbeat on Wednesday. I actually heart it's little heartbeat at 111 bpm. It was incredible that something the size of a grain of rice had a heartbeat that I could hear. Absolutely incredible.

So, I'm tired. I'm cranky. I'm sometimes sick (like last night when I ordered a chef salad, no pig...and they gave me BOILED VEGETABLES ON TOP!!! Made me want to...well, you konw.) My sore...from the top to the bottom (literally, the bottom...PIO shots every night). I'm also happy.

One more bean to add to the family would be perfect. We are already so freakin blessed its scary. We have one of each who are of course, the epitome of what the most adorable, darling child should be. We are happy together, have been married for almost 11 years. And I still think he is darn cute. Even have a dog who helps me "incubate".

The hard things are just the usual stuff. We have our house on the market again. Yes, we are breeding gypsies (husband's term). It seems that whenever I'm puking, we are also trying to sell our house. But, this time...it makes a lot of sense for us. But not easy.

It also occurred to me that perhaps it was time to find a babysitter. To go out with my husband occasionally while we don't have an infant. So...I'm looking for bonded, background checked, perfect angels with their PhDs in early childhood development. Oh, and that they only cost like $10 an hour. Yeah, so I'm still looking.

But whee! A new baby! Wouldnt that be fun?

2008-01-16T18:05:00.001-08:00

YAWWWNNNN

I'm tired. I should just go to bed...but its these hours after the munchkins go to bed that give me energy for the next day. I'm watching TV and typing away, and barely keeping my eyes open. I got very little sleep last night, for some reason my son has decided to wake up several times a night and yell his little lungs out. I think he might be hungry, so we will try feeding him right away and then putting him down again. Problem is, he sleeps in his own queen sized bed now. He got too big for the crib, toddler bed, full size mattress...and yes, he is only 21 months old. My big boy...and the love of my life. Well, one of them anyway. Who knew kids were so incredible?

I had stuff I was going to "talk" about...but I just don't have the energy.

Oh dip! This tv show just got really good! Be back later!

2008-01-14T05:28:00.000-08:00

good morning my friends...

today is part of a new year and one for perhaps somewhat difficult decisions. Our family is trying to decide about some big "life" things such as career, home, moving, etc. It is shaking me up to my roots...or lack thereof. I have little roots, friends, landmarks, this house that I love. But none of them are very strong here, and that is part of the problem. I have strong roots in my friends and loved ones though, and for that I am blessed.

If I could wave my magic wand and make things change, I would. I would sell our house for a tidy profit, find a good rental and really work for a year or two on paying off bills and getting my husband into a career he loves and has passion for. If only it were that easy, huh? We dont know if we can sell our house for what we need to, I dont know where to move.

Guide us Father, we need your wisdom and your way.

2008-01-10T17:10:00.000-08:00

Two shots of the Woodside trio...

2008-01-10T17:09:00.000-08:00

From the side...I always had a complex about my nose. Gee, thanks Pam! I think I should send her this pic! Its not that bad.

2008-01-10T14:26:00.001-08:00

WE NO LIKEY THEM'S TOMATOES!

2008-01-10T14:12:00.000-08:00

the South will RISE AGAIN! (but, eh, without all the bad stuff)

2008-01-10T14:10:00.000-08:00

one of the loves of my life..dirty face and all

2008-01-10T14:05:00.000-08:00

because I am a frustrated "real" photographer like everyone else on the internet, Im going to post a few pics that i have taken over the last few days...

2008-01-10T13:37:00.000-08:00

Tiny Little New Toes...

Mean, Mean Auntie! Bothering the Baby...

2008-01-10T13:19:00.000-08:00

Here is my gorgeous new nephew!

Griffin Joseph
8 lbs, 3 oz.
20.5 inches

Live Long and Prosper!

And here is what the other four kids were doing...after the cake, balloons, gifts, etc! (That is a extremely small closet...about 24 inches, and they all got in there and closed the doors!

2008-01-04T11:56:00.000-08:00

I'm cold...tired...and glad to be home.

I really like my house. It is a old, (1926) brick colonial with near perfect proportions. I would add a few things here and there, but overall I really enjoy it. It's funny how THIS place feels like home.

I however, don't really love the town we live in. We are thinking of moving somewhere in the next few years and we have to find a school that we really trust and like. I go back and forth because no school is perfect enough for my babies. I want a christian environment, I want kids that are mannerly and dont do drugs or curse, I want a learning environment that is top notch, and I want a broad scale education. I want them to teach to my kid's individual strengths, but have personalized attention for their weaknesses. Sigh. I'm not sure this exists, and if it does it costs like 27000 a year. no, that is not a typo, thats how much kindergarten costs in our area at the top schools.

My house looks like it blew up and its still xmas around here. We have almost no food in the house and im sleepy.

Oh well, it sounds like I'm mostly complaining today...but at least I went and got a sweater. Cashmere is a cure for a lot of ills.

2008-01-01T19:07:00.000-08:00

A New Year. (notice the capitals...) I love the start of a New Year. It means that a time to reflect, to plan, to make a conscious decision to take another step on my personal journey. I like to write reflections, but I absolutely do NOT make resolutions. I like to have goals, but I don't like to make them something that might make me feel guilty later.

This isn't going to be a long hard post...it is just going to be one of thanksgiving and quiet joy.

I love, and I am loved. I am fantastically secure in that love and it gives me the power to be a better woman. That fact alone makes this year a good one. I know that I have that in my corner and it makes this world not so scary. After 13 years together I still think my partner is a pretty interesting and great person. I like spending time with him, and value his thoughts.

I have two amazing children. I have gone through loosing 5 babies that I wanted very, very much. But I am blessed with two of the best, smartest, kindest, gorgeous babies that ever existed. Every single day of their lives I have marveled at them. Their ideas, their individuality. They are parts of those that I love wrapped up in their own incredible packages.

I have family who support me. Engage with me. I have a mother, father, in laws, brothers, sisters. God has brought them into my life at different times. I wasn't born with most of them, but I got them along the way. They are my lifeline to sanity and I wouldn't know how to make my life without them.

I have a faith that there is a God. I have faith that I do not Walk Alone. That is a great gift.

2007-11-30T05:42:00.000-08:00

It seems like I only post on this blog lately when I am feeling down or poignant...

And it is another one of those times. We just returned home from a long, difficult, inspiring trip to TN. The long and short of it was that we arrived and knew that we were going straight to the bedside of my cousin who was declining rapidly from follicular lymphoma. He had been fighting valiantly for 9 months, and until recently had been doing well. Six weeks before he was walking 2 miles every day. But he had a round of invasive chemo, steroid treatment, and resulting nerve damage. Those combined with a surgery left him weak and his health took a turn for the worse. His family chose to bring him home with very good hospice care and very good family care (4 nurses, 1 PhD, and me...a former nurse’s aide and a loving cousin).

We spent precious hours by his bedside talking to him, visiting with people who had driven many hours to come and be with him. He was a fantastic person, with a wonderful smile. Everyone who spoke about and to him mentioned over and over how he was ALWAYS positive, cheerful and thankful. He would thank nurses, doctors, aides, family constantly for their care and help. I would sit beside him and VISUALIZE him getting better. Just a little better. Maybe to eat a little more, to breathe a little easier. I would SEE the angels bending low to soothe him. I would sing to him and tell him he was brave and wonderful and how much I admired him. I always have, since I saw him doing a handstand on our grandparents roof. I always have since he told my "mean" brothers to lay off. But in such a nice way that no one felt he was chastising them. He was the jock, the blond, the good looking guy who smiled and girls thought he was amazing. He had a photographic memory, and was a really great carpenter/ builder. He loved his family, and rebuilt and fixed a lot of their house before he got sick. He was a fierce defender of anyone who needed it, and particularly of his handicapped brother. He was one of the good guys. And I don't think we told him that enough. But I do know that he knew he was loved.

He passed from this earth surrounded by incredible love and hope. We asked for a miracle up until the end, that he might be healed. But, we asked that God's will be done in all of our lives, and that he would be present. And he was. God was in that room that night, I have no doubt. I saw him in my 92 year old Grandfather's hand as he touched his grandson's shoulder and told him that he would see him very soon in the morning. I saw him in my 4 year old daughter’s eyes as she looked at the solid wall of family around Bob's bed and wanted to know what was taking Jesus so long to come. I saw him in Bob's fiancée’s hands that soothed his breathing and whispered love. I saw him in his parents fierce grip...they COULD not let go. How can we let go of something we love and protect so hard? I FELT God in that room...we stood shoulder to shoulder around his bed, and he was in peace. He took his last breath in total love, and in faith. I was privileged to be there at that moment, and I am privileged to be a part of his family.

Bob, goodnight for now. We will see you soon. You are loved.

2007-10-22T05:59:00.000-07:00

Do Justly.
Love Mercy.
Walk Humbly.

I have been reflecting on this lately. In the context of "what does the Lord require of me"?

I go through the day so preoccupied with my children, my business, my home and my family. In making sure that the daily needs are met in those areas, I rarely have time to really think about what my Father in heaven wants me to do and be. I have been trying to consider ways that I could make it a part of my daily routine and life.

Do Justly. Does this mean to just be fair? To do what is right? I think it means to have a solid core of strengh, faith and belief to draw on. Wether the question is simple (no stealing) to a more complicated decision, we all make desicions based on our past experiences and our core of moral values. I think this speaks to having that core and having it be in line with God's way.

Love Mercy. This I think speaks most strongly to our interactions with others. Not to love putting ourselves first, but to love putting others first even in small ways. To remember to call a friend, to send flowers to brighten their day, to write a note to my grandmother, to send over a delivery of food for a family that has gone through loss. I think its remembering to live somehow in service of others and in service of Mercy. I was told once that I was God to my children. I didnt really understand at that time until I thought it through. They dont understand a concept of a heavenly father. They understand how I speak to them, how I react to their needs and calls for attention. If they know that I am interested in them, I am loving to them, then they will understand Love...and eventually on a greater scale.

Walk Humbly. I'm still figuring this one out. Obviously, it means to not think too much of ourselves, to give God the glory and trust in him to lead us through this great cosmic experiment that is called life. But how else can I "walk humbly" through my daily life? I'm not sure.

2007-10-02T14:41:00.000-07:00

"As Blogs go by..." (Or time...or they are one in the same.) If I sit down for a moment to read a friends blog, or a friend of a friends...or just some random link I got to from some random woman, I completely loose track of time. (Random in the extreme...my husband asked me last night who the cute little girl on my screen was, was it a friend of our daughter? I said, "oh, that was MissZ from a blogger mom who is really popular that I read occasionally. She just found out that she is pregnant, I'm so happy for her." My husband looks like I have a screw loose. This is a woman I have never met, who I never will (who is too darn popular that I wouldnt even at like BlogHer, which i will never go to). But you know what, I absolutely love the instant communities that you can find in cyberspace. I go to support groups for ladies with PCOS, chat boards for Christian Moms, message boards for sparklie addicts, and (yup) a few gossip sites. It's a complete world out there, and it just astounds me. It has grown so much since the good old days when the internet started and we could command a $10,000 raise by uttering the words WEB, HTML KEYWORD, and ONLINE STORE. It was good, I'm telling you. It's still good, but now its a part of everyone's daily life. I'm scared to death to think what it will be like when my kids are in their teens. Im still going to be "fingering" (an OLD internet term for searching to see who is online) people and they are going to think I'm basically using morse code. I guess such is the life of a parent, huh?

Im relaunching my freelance site. It should be up soon, check it out! www.desamisdesign.com. I have great plans to take over the world, but first I have to stop reading that Angelina is adopting! Brittney is a bad mom! uh, you know, the important news.

2007-08-20T11:25:00.000-07:00

Today is Your day...
Your mountain is waiting,
so get on your way!
(Dr. Suess was a freaking genius!)

So, my mountains? Well, my house looks (again) like it blew up...I'm never as organized as I would like to be and my stupid "n" key does not work as it should, resulting in hurting hands as I pound away.

Yeah, those arent mountains, huh? More like molehills or moguls (sp?). My mountains are the big questions like where should my kids go to school? When should they go to school? Where should we live? What career should I have? Am I a boring person because I esentially have no career right now? (Although, should I meet you and you should ask, I would tell you I am a graphic designer/ freelance writer. Which is true. But certainly not full time.)

I bought the Oprah magazine because it promised to tell me exactly how to find my creative career bliss! OH! I thought! OPRAH SHOULD KNOW! FINALLY. Well, I haven't finished the magazine yet, but the only advice I got was that if I have been out of the workforce for over two years (their stat was out of the 37% of college educated women that quit to stay home, 90% are ready to go back to work in 2 years...does that sound right? Like, uh, sorry kid, you hit two and got difficult so Mama's outta here, hope daycare is good for you!) Maybe its just me and I am a bit bitter? Yes, (as a close person pointed out) I derived some self esteem from my former job. I made important decisions! That bag you carefully put your brand new clothes in, I decided what color it was! Thats power for you. heheh. I sometimes have to remind myself that I do a job now. I raise my kids. The days are long and the years are short. I also take care of a large home, handle the bill paying, and try and fit in some work in there. But sometimes it doesnt feel important daily. Yes, Yes, it IS! I know. I'm here, I'm putting the time into my kids because they are the most important job I will ever have. But I miss having a career too. So, I plan.

Yesterday I was going back to nursing school. The day before I was going to apply to art directors positions. The day before I was going into photography. The day before I was going to open a home decor store. Sense some confusion?

But maybe thats life, huh? We grow, we think, we explore. Some days our path is exactly what we would like it, and some days it just is one step after another.

But I tell you, the prospect of driving kids around for the rest of my life terrifies me. But having someone else pick them up when they fall down terrifies me more.

2007-07-31T18:04:00.000-07:00

I don't know where to start...amazing how much and so little can happen in a month.

This month we have:
-traveled to Lake George, twice. First time, I cried on the boat because I was so sad about our baby...second time I cried on the boat because I was sad about our baby and happy about twinsisterfriends baby.

-traveled to Michigan, hung out with my parents. Got into fights, hugs, long conversations and generally regained a bit of balance in my world.

-had like 4 parties in one weekend. Birthdays, graduations, etc. Sylvia (friend) had the most awesome 40th birthday I have ever been to. Did you know there are WOODS in the bronx? Yeah, me either. Strange, but lovely.

-traveled to Kentucky for a dear old friends wedding (old as in knew her since she came home from the hospital, 23 years ago). Was lovely to see people I havent seen in so long and know they are still THERE.

-gave my daughter a wonderful, garden, fairy, butterfly filled 4th birthday. In which I spent all day and 5 HUGE bags of trash cleaning up from. And scrubbing pizza and paint out of the carpet.

-am now preparing for guests this weekend.

Sigh. Life is busy. It is full. It is good. It is full of baby steps and giggles and smiles and tears. My mental image of my son from today was when he was pulling all his daddy's shoes off the rack and then started on his pants. (Which I had neatly folded and put there moments before.) I said NO JAIME!!! (for the 10th time) and smacked his little hand. He just stood there, all 2.5 feet of him in his footie pajamas and poked out his little lip. His big blue eyes got full of tears and he just stared at me. I held out my arms for him, and he reached up and just hung on. But I will ALWAYS remember that blond baby boy with the pout standing in the sunshine. Even when he is 6'4 and doesnt hang on quite so tight.

My life feels solid. I have had pain...real, physical, knock you out (literally) pain...and the gut-wrenching mental pain of loss that tears you up so hard that when you cry you can't even close your mouth or make a sound because it just hurts so damn bad.

But I have had the joy too. The wow moments of stunning happiness when you touch new skin for the first time on your baby...the way that new package of skin, and bones and blood feels. The amazing, quiet joy of feeling my love there after a hard and scary dream. The knowledge that I am loved.

The stretching of the soul is what makes us human. The reflection of our emotions and the quiet meditation of the soul is what makes us. We are made in the image of our God...with the amazing capacity for growth.

I have wished and prayed for the hard parts to be taken away. But thats not what life is on this planet. We are living it, for the good and in the bad. We are IN this experiment...and the only thing that will make it "all better" is the end of it. God cannot make it soft and shield us from the awfulness of life, or we would never want it to stop.

So, I am choosing. I am choosing to have faith. I am CHOOSING to hang on to that hand that I cannot see. I am choosing to live this life he has granted me, and to praise. To give thanks. Even for the things that suck the most. I'm making that decision.

To end on a lighter note, I love this quote and thought it over again as I held my baby boy in my arms tonight:
"Cleaning and scrubbing can wait 'til tomorrow
For babies grow up we've learned to our sorrow.
So quiet down cobwebs, dust go to sleep
I'm rocking my baby, and babies don't keep!"

2007-06-17T21:01:00.000-07:00

WARNING...stream of thoughts...may not make a heck of a lot of sense.

How do you feel...so many things at once?

I'm still so so sad about loosing our baby. I dont even like the way that sounds...loosing. I didn't misplace it. There was nothing I could have done differently. We spent about $2500 on just trying to KEEP it. I had such dreams for it...they came so fast and we held on so tight. And I'm trying to figure out how to let go. How to find out how to be happy and secure and GOOD in my life again.

I had jumped off the merry-go-round of baby making. No more tests, no more blood draws, no more "expert" doctors poking around in my bits...I was done. It was all about having fun with the babies I have and the husband I have and getting on to the next stage in our lives. We were done with babies. Then it became a possibility agian. Then it wasn't. And I feel adrift. I don't know what we need, what I want.

I wanted to be part of "club". I wanted my sisters to get pregnant so we could all experience it together. Well, they did...and I am not anymore.

I am SO SO happy about each one, I will treasure each baby for the miracle it is. I will love them sincerely. But...in a way it hurts. It is something I thought I would be a part of and now I am not. I'm a bit jealous of them, of this new discovery and miracle in their lives. A very close friend just had a baby last week, and as I held that tiny new life, I was wishing for mine.

But I wanted THAT baby. I worked for THAT baby. And that isn't a possibility. And it mkaes me MAD.

But I don't know if another whole life fits for us. A baby...I love that idea. But another life...thats a big responsibility. Clothes, diapers, food, time, school money, new shoes, new dresses and trucks, and high school and college and trips and traveling and grad school and weddings...that all costs a LOT. In time, in energy, in money. I am a good Mama. A very good one. My kids have more than enough of everything they need, including me. Is there enough for another? Is it good for us as a family? Would we all come out the other side of pregnancy and birth okay? Being on bedrest changed my relationship with my daughter, am I willing to go through that again? I just dont know.

I know, now isnt the time to figure it out. I need to get healthier, I need to just BE for a while.

But still, I wanted to be part of the club. And I'm not. And it hurts.

But I'm happy because there is new life coming...and I'm sad too because one of them isn't mine.

2007-06-05T19:40:00.000-07:00

Side-by-Side
by-the-forest-side

ponytails and bright eyes
watching for magic

forest-side shadows start their creep
toe-by-toe
accross the blades of dew
sprinkled to reflect
the fairies starting to wink-blink-shine

ponytails and crystal bells
to capture a flight of fancy

side-by-side companions
sure of magic, sure of life

A flight of memory for my life companion, my best friend. There are relationships that can only be explained as THERE. My sisterfriendtwin has been THERE. In my life, in my heart. Through the gigglegum and the nightbefores and the Icantbreathes. And she will be there. And so will I.

Thank-you.

2007-06-05T19:26:00.000-07:00

As you all know, its been a hard few weeks for the DangerElf clan. I came over to leave a little message that is funny, somewhat unbelievable, and quite cute. At least... as cute as a 33 year old man gaping at an "empty" backyard can be.

Tonight while we were eating dinner, my Hubband suddenly leapt up from the chair and dashed to the front window, peering intently out into the front yard. The sun had just set and it was slightly dusky. His posture radiated intense interest in whatever was going on.
"What is it!?"
"I'm not sure"

I laughed. He'd told me the other day that he'd never seen a firefly in his life before. In all of his 33 years, he'd not once lived in a place that had the little critters during the summer. I thought I might have an inkling...

"Was it a firefly?"
"Im not sure! It just.. blinked"

I grabbed his hand and pulled him out back. Since we live in town, there aren't all that many fireflies, but I'd seen a few over the last couple of days so I knew if we were just patient. We stood silently, holding hands for a few minutes. He finally gave up.

"I dont think there..."
"There! in the middle of the yard!"

He looked where I pointed and was just in time to see 2 more blink in and out.

"That's SO COOL!"

We watched them for a few more minutes before escaping the ubiquitous mosquitos, but I'll never forget the look on his face. That sense of wonder that most of us feel the first time we see a firefly. That summer way back when you were 9 or 10 and the world was opening all sorts of new and exciting doors. Its so amazing to see that same look and experience that wonder again through not just your children or your nieces and nephews, but through the eyes of an adult who has seen more than his share of sorrow and stress and of the world and of war. Seeing it through his eyes, for just a few minutes this evening I was back in a Kentucky holler, running through the dusky woods with a jar in my hand and my best friend at my side.

With love, and dreams,
LadyBoyd

2007-05-24T18:40:00.000-07:00

How do you put into words a feeling so hard that sad doesnt even begin to cut it?

That yes, you know you will make it through, and yes, eventually you will not cry, but no, no, no, your heart will never be happy exactly the same way again. That your dreams were altered and now you cannot go back to being happy with the old ones.

Today we found out that our precious miracle baby was not to be in our arms here. That amazing newborn expectation wasn't going to happen. I had made room in my heart for you, my love. And I will miss you all of my days.

Your mama loved you. And you were wanted, very very much.

2007-05-18T08:43:00.000-07:00

Today is May 18, 2007.

10 years of marriage, exactly.

Ten amazing years that were full of sock-u-in-the-gut moments. Our first teensy-weensy apartment that we bought OURSELVES with the money we got from selling one of our cars. (We each had one when we got married.) Our first moment of knowing that we were in this for good...no matter how hard that particular moment was. I knew that my husband was not going to leave. Period. THAT was a hard concept for me. He was in this for the long run, and frankly it took a few years for me to accept that. But I did. We got married very, very young. We had to finish growing up together...and we did. Honestly, me more than him. I had to figure out what real life meant compared to the fairy tale I had made up in my mind.

Oh, but the hundreds of moments have made it absolutely worth it. Moments of complete and utter joy, when our daughter and son were born. That squishy newborn look. The scary, intense moments in the hospital...and he was ALWAYS by my side. He has slept on a hospital cot for many nights, honestly never missed one. The most scary moments of a life, and the most simple moments of laughter and full of love. THOSE shared moments are what make a lifetime.

He has worked LONG hours to provide for his family, and then come home at night and said "honey, you are tired, lay down and I will finish feeding the kids and put them to bed" (Ok, that one happens mostly only when Im pregnant, but its still pretty darn great considering he gets home at almost 8pm.) He has never said no when I have asked for his help. He is a fantastic father, and quite simply, my man, my love, and my life partner.

I hear him snoring in the other room right now, and I just appreciate him being here. He has always made me feel pretty and desired...even when he had to crawl into a hospital bed to "stare into my eyes" and hold my hand.

I would be lost without him, and I thank God every day for the family he has given me. That he has given me the strengh that is in this man. That he will teach me to appreciate him more every day and to let him know that he knocks my socks off...still.

Thank-you husband for being the man, father, and love that you are. I would not be me without you.

2007-05-09T15:08:00.000-07:00

Well...its been a long time since I posted. So much has happened in the last 5.5 weeks.

James, my beloved, hardwon, baby boy turned 1 year old. When I found out I was pregnant with a little boy the second time around, I was shocked, and not sure what I felt. I was expecting a girl. I had a girl, I knew how to parent a girl. But a BOY? huh? Did I need to buy a baseball right away? What was the standard operating procedure here? Then my pregnancy progressed into a hellish ride of high blood pressure and a dialating cervix that landed me on bedrest for months. Delivery was coming every day, we were prepared EVERY DAY to have a preemie that would be in the NICU for weeks or months. Well, with God's assistance, he came only slightly early and was healthy (after we got past the first NICU stay, and my almost hemmoraging, and uh, the bad infections, and uh...). It was, NOT an easy ride, emotionally or physically. It was, quite honestly, the hardest part of my life I've gone through. And there have been some rough patches. But the daily wondering if you are going to loose your baby because you maybe went to the bathroom one too many times is very hard on a mother. I was worried that I wasn't going to bond with him as well. I was worried (by his constant angry-ness) that he didn't feel bonded to me and that I had messed him up somehow...I was just worried. Fast forward a year later and he is a happy, smiling little blond angel. Laughs the best belly laugh you have ever heard. Gets into trouble like no-one's business, but with the sweetest blue eyes. He is part of my joy, and his "mama's boy". Even likes a snuggle now and then, which he would not tolerate for quite some time. He is my love.

But. I never expected to get pregnant again. I was done. Gave the stuff away, sent off the maternity clothes. Done. Completely. I had the weight off (well, 5 lbs to go), was back in my normal clothes, was going to buy size 8 shorts for the first time in 5 summers or so. I was all ready to party in Vegas with my honey for our 10th year anniversary. And. Uh.....surprise. 10 years of marriage and I have never become pregnant naturally. Ever.

Didn't even occur to me for a week. Tested in TARGET! That's how sure I was that it was negative. BUT, it was positive. Quickly positive.

So, after a rollercoaster week of blood tests, we are still hanging in there. I'm back on rear-end shots that hurt like H(*&! and make my sit-down-upon very hard to sit-down-upon. And tired. But we are back in the game after retirement. And you know what? I'm happy. Scared, yes. Nervous, yes. But darn happy.

So pray, keep us in good thoughts, petition. We want this baby if its God's will and it will be okay.

Today it's name is:
Liliana Hope OR
Weston Bruce

:-)

2007-03-26T11:11:00.000-07:00

Oh, how the time flys.

It seems like I have no time or energy to post, but then when I do, I write a long one.

I'm in the middle of "detox". I was to the point where I was feeling "flu-like" every morning. So to get over it, I would take 2 advil or tylenol and a big cup of coffee. Then, I would be tired by 4pm, so I would have another big cup of coffee. I like coffee, can you tell? I was having problems sleeping, so I would take a little benedryl, or melatonin plus some sleepy-time tea. It wasn't a vicious cycle yet, but I didnt want it to become one. I wanted to feel good when I got up, rested, and not depend on anything to feel that way. I'm too young to not feel okay! Through several years of strong IVF meds, then strong meds in the hospital (that I was allergic to) have built up a toxicity level. My skin was breaking out again and other adrenal problems were popping back up.

It's time to get on a healthier path. I need more exercise, and to listen to my body. I want to be at a weight that I am happy with. I dont need to be skinny, but I need to be healthy. I need to loose about 10-15 pounds to be below 1st baby weight, and to where I was when I got married.

We are going to Vegas for our 10th anniversary (we are going to get married in a cheesy ceremony, have Elvis sing and the whole works). My goal is to be comfortable wearing a bikini on this post-two-babies-body. I have approximately 8 weeks. We shall see.

So, I'm starting with this very gentle cleanse. The hard part is the "diet" part, only melon in the morning, one protein and salad at lunch, and then only garden veggies at night. And olive oil. And a gallon of distilled water. Thats it. Its hard. But I can do anything hard for 10 days, right?

2007-02-25T10:40:00.000-08:00

Chocolate. It has been taking up way too much of my eating time lately. Ugh...I think I need to throw the whole bunch of it away. You know what is strange (well, uh, ONE of the things?) when I was pregnant with my son, I would wake up from any kind of nap with the strongest urge for DARK, BITTERSWEET chocolate right that very moment. REALLY needed it, and would consume an entire chocolate bar from TJ in seconds. The craving isn't as strong, but that is still my favorite time to eat chocolate.

Well, last night we made it! I was a little nervous to babysit my two fine nephews with my two little ones. Becoming a parent of one was SUCH a life changing thing for me...then it took me a little while before I felt comfortable to keep two beings safe. But FOUR? Holy Cow batman, was that even possible? (Yes, I know mothers have more than two children, and some even have 4 children all the same age, and they survive, but I wasn't entirely sure it was not against the laws of nature.) But, we did it! heheh, and it was fun and they all went to bed and didn't scream and cry and inflict bodily harm on themselves. Jax and Grace played outside ALONE, like real little kids. They didn't need me to be holding their hand so they wouldn't stumble...they enjoyed stumbling...and they were okay. This is a realitively new concept to me, so I dash back and forth peering out the windows. But aside from Jack coming in with un-identifiable (sorry nic)wet spots on his back, and Grace having them on HER back (what?) UNDER their coats which were NOT wet, and no, it wasn't sweat...they had a grand time. Jake marched around and around, yelling UH-OH and banging things together. James tried his best to keep up, but I think they got dizzy. Jake actually, very contentedly let Uncle "Beez" hold him for 20 minutes while they read the paper. It was a calm and fun day/ night, and they all lived and were clean and happy when they went to sleep. With perhaps the exception of Jake who threw the paci I tried to give him instead of nursing on the floor with a HOWL. But he cried for less than a minute, so I think he was actually okay too. They are all becoming real little people. Its a joy to see, and a little scary.

I have zero willpower today. I SHOULD be dashing about doing many things, and I just do not want to. I want to be LAZY. Its so not in my DNA to be that way (without guilt). I dont know if its the catholic, the irish, or the womanly (wink) upbringing, but I just find it very hard to let myself be lax. That's not to say that I don't, just that I feel guilty. I also feel guilty about the 5 chocolates I just ate. heheh. Loosing weight is almost impossible for me in the late winter. I have absolutely no willpower for that either.

So, wasn't this the most boring post in the world. Oh well, life is such sometimes, eh?

Some family health problems going on right now, please keep prayers coming this way.
Besos.